I want to take a little bit, to shed some light on what has been going on the past couple of months.
I realize a bunch of you probably think I'm just going insane/losing my mind, and I get why you'd think that. Others of you are reaching out constantly to grab my hand when I slip back a little even if you don't really know what's wrong with me... offering daily reminders of support and love...and to you, I thank you endlessly.
So here is a post about what I have been going through, about my journey, and small victories. Be warned that there are a lot of dark things in this post. Some of it may be hard to read, and I apologize in advance. I just want to put my story down. Maybe one day it'll save someone, or maybe it'll save me again.
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I had my first anxiety attack when I was in 6th grade, and have been having them pretty regularly all the way up to the present. I went through the past couple years being able to hide them really well. The past few months though, they have gotten completely out of control, to the point where they were dictating how I was able to live every day. I was having upwards of 4+ severe attacks daily.
I remember them all vividly. That sudden overwhelming feeling that takes over your entire body. Will you live through it? Will you ever stop hyperventilating? Why are my lips and hands completely numb? Am I dying? I have no control over anything, including myself. I hate this. I hate myself. I want to disappear. I'm slipping. This is the most embarassing thing ever to go through when other people are around. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I hate dragging people down with me.
Anxiety attacks are not something that you can just "get over". Even more so since I've been experiencing them for 15 years. They've become a part of my life, to the point where they are in a sick way, kind of routine.
What brings these attacks on? Myself. How I react to situations. How I react to other people in my life. How the past is constantly dictating my future. The sad reality is though, that they all are brought on by the way I think and handle things. I hate admitting that.
The past couple months specifically, I have tried my hardest to try and be proactive about getting some help. The main reason for this was at first for Jesse's sake. Because who wants to be around someone who is so fragile, much less date them and spend their life with them? I feared constantly that he would leave me once he started to experience more of me...I can't be "on" 24/7. It is exhausting. That fear of abandonment that I have fought with for years due to many events in my life, was rekindled, and I found myself constantly fearing that he would leave me. The thing is, I wouldn't blame him. No one else ever stuck around, why should he? Why would he?
Another thing that really brought on the anxiety attacks, was oddly enough, how wonderful my life is these days. Doesn't make sense does it? Well in my mind it did...
My life is beautiful. I have a great family, amazing friends, I have finally met the love of my life. I am back in Oregon, able to explore till my heart is content. Why would this bring anxiety on? Because it's more to lose. I've had my entire life pulled out from under me once, why wouldn't it happen again? I barely survived last time, and I knew I wouldn't survive this time.
So that's when the great "push away" started up again. Wanting to end the good things in my life, before God or the actual individuals ended them without warning. Wanting to distance myself, not wanting to cause pain, frustration, confusion, worry, or sadness to those around me that I love most. The only thing that made sense in my mind, was to disappear.
The desire to end my life is what I thought of almost every single minute for quite a long time. The thought filled with me such a calm. Not having to fight these demons anymore, not having to be exhausted day in and day out, not having to pretend like nothing is wrong in front of people, no more acting, no more pain, no more fear. Death was my salvation from life. Even typing this, it still just...it would be so nice not to have to deal with any of this.
There was one day specifically that sticks out in my mind. I drove up and down the Oregon Coast, exploring cliffs. The cliffs outside of Yachats, by Cape Perpetua, that is where I wanted to die. Driving off a cliff would be the easiest way, and it would also look like an accident. Plus, there was something gross and romantic about me dying in the ocean. That was my plan. I almost went through with it that day, but I didn't leave any kind of "goodbye" behind for Jesse and my parents and brother. I couldn't make it that easy. I had to at least leave a note of love...maybe one day they'd understand why. The urge to drive over those rocky Pacific ocean cliffs, was growing and feeling more and more like the exact answer to my problems. I just had to leave on a good note with those I care about. So I drove back to the cabin where Jess lives, the farther I got from the cliffs, the more pain and frustration I felt. It's incredible how your mind can be your worst enemy..but at the same time, feels like your only friend. The only one who "gets" you.
After that day, all I could really focus on was leaving this world, and this pain behind. Going to work everyday was hell. Going home after work was hell. I was afraid to be around Jesse because he would just grow to resent me for being such a downer constantly. Things just kept getting worse and worse. I tried a few feeble attempts to be open with him about what I was going through, but it never came out right and I think a lot of the feelings, fear, and pain were lost in translation. I just was coming off as "sad depressed for no reason Jamie".
It all continued to spiral out of control on a daily basis...which brings us to the past couple weeks. A girl who is constantly thinking suicidal thoughts, surrounded by people that love her, that have no idea what to do to make her better. I hate being that girl. I hate having that kind of effect on those I love most.
I would run away for hours on end, fighting with my mind, with the darkness. Wishing someone would follow me, and help me, but at the same time craving to be alone so I wouldn't bring anyone down with me. I've done everything up to the point alone, my life would eventually end on my own.
Then after a night out in my car in 15 degree weather, sobbing and yelling to no one for hours in the Winco parking lot, punching my car until my knuckles bled out of frustration, after 6 days of not sleeping at all...Jesse told me I could no longer do this alone.
He peeled me out of my car that cold frosty morning, and drove me to Salem, where his amazing mom had a hot bath waiting for me, and a cozy bed filled with pillows for me to hide in. I couldn't be alone anymore. I had to be watched and monitored. Jesse was the only person I wanted to be around...at my absolute rock bottom, I didn't trust anyone else. I was beyond exhausted, I was mad, I was hurt, I was frustrated, I felt like a lab rat, yet I also felt love, I felt support and warmth.
My doctor prescribed me xanax. I have feared prescription meds since I can remember, so taking these was a really big deal to me, and trust me...I fought, but in my condition, I wasn't very strong. I took the xanax, and turned into a lethargic zombie. I still couldn't find any sleep. Nothing felt comfortable. I longed to be back in my car, by the cliffs.
The next morning, my mom came and picked me up in Salem. I was still a zombie after taking more xanax. A prescription of antidepressants were prescribed, and picked up at the Walgreens in Salem. I felt completely out of control of my own life...even more so than I did in the past. I didn't know who I was or why I was still alive. For quite a few days, I was just in this haze...it sounds crazy, but looking back on those numb days of exhaustion, I view them as if I was a fly on the wall. Not the girl curled up in fetal position, sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking.
I cannot express how badly it feels, to know you are causing your parents so much worry and stress. To be causing your boyfriend to worry for your life. To be this sad, dark, puddle in everyone's lives. Those same people who are trying to help you, trying to show you that they love you. You give nothing back to them but tears and distress.
The past 2 weeks almost feel as if they were just a really long nightmare. Days on end I would stay curled up in bed, crying, not eating, not sleeping...basically not existing, besides taking pills, and being a squishy breathing pillow for my cat to sleep on all day. The meds the doctor prescribed me weren't doing anything, which killed what tiny microscopic bit of hope that I had. In my mind, I was just going to die here. I was just going to eventually evaporate into the air, and then finally, everyone could go on with their lives.
Well, we come to find out the dosage of SSRI drugs my doctor gave me, was way too low. My meds were increased 4x to what I was taking, and within a couple days, I actually smiled. I woke up and saw Jesse sleeping on the couch in my parents basement, and I felt a sense of hope. Thinking about it, brings tears to my eyes right now. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And through it all, he still loved me.
I have been on the higher dosage of meds for a little over a week now. I am functioning again, but haven't done anything yet to really fix my problems long term. These pills are merely increasing my serotonin levels in my brain, which is helping, but is not a permanent thing. This is when the real work, when the real fight for my life starts. Now I have to get into therapy, and NOT give up like countless times in the past. Now I have to fight to survive, to train my mind into thinking that dying is not the answer. I'll be honest, not 5min goes by where I don't have to push that thought out of my mind. The great re-training of my brain.I have to learn how to take care of myself, and allow myself to take care of myself. I have to learn to quiet my constant fears and anxieties that are buzzing around my mind. I have to learn how to just...be. It scares me and feels like it is this massive mountain that I will never ever be able to scale...but at the same time, an outpouring of love and support from those around me, from YOU, is lifting me up, and giving me the hope I need to keep taking one step at a time.
I cannot do this alone, and I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to slip backwards...I want to constantly be moving forward, even if it's a millimeter at a time some days. I want to take the necessary steps to become the person I want to be, to act as a bright shining light in this world, to have the strength to properly take care of myself AND those around me. To spread a constant message of love and hope, to be the change.
I know I will have rough patches. That's just the reality of the situation, but I truly have faith that I will get better and I will come out shining brighter than ever. I will keep loving. I will keep fighting. For myself, for Jesse, for my parents, my brother, my friends, and my future children.
One foot in front of the other.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it has some kind of positive impact on you. I love you.
I want to give specific shout outs to those who have really helped me through this incredibly hard point in my life...who have been there when I needed you most.
To Jesse. I will never have enough words to properly explain what you mean to me, how much I love you,and how blessed I feel since God placed you in my life. I feel your love constantly, and to be honest, I would not be here writing this today, if it wasn't for you. You are my sunshine. I love you. Forever.
To my parents. Thank you for providing me with a safe environment that I could start to heal in. For not giving me an option. For never giving up on me, even when I tried my hardest to push you away. For loving me unconditionally. I love you both so much, and am so grateful to call you my parents.
To Clair. For the messages. For letting me know that when I felt most alone, I was surrounded with people that care about me. For reminding me that I am not the first, nor last person, to ever go through this kind of thing. And for patting me on the back during my little victories (like not cancelling dr. appointments due to anxiety etc). I love you so much. Thank you.
For my huge array of amazing friends including my brother Johnny, Sonja, Sonja's parents, Haley, Eric, Michael, Arielle, Mama Connie, Papa Tim, Marcy, Tayaka and baby Hannah, Jessica T., Jim Burke, Ashley S., Jenny R, Kelly W, Mike K, Sarah K, Trudy E, Diana W, Emily P, Jenna M, Kellie M, Jimi T, Annie H, Shane W, Amanda F, Jamie D, Carmen R, Lissy C, Donna C, Michelle V, Kathleen M, Caleb baby, Angela, My aunt Barb, Janelle, Emily J, Linda K, Douglas E, Bethany D, Leslie...and countless others who have raised me up in my lowest of lows with your words of encouragement, love, and suggestions...thank you. Thank you so so much. I love you, and with your love, I will get through this and come out shining. I love you.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
REAL-ationships.
Alright. I'm just going to put some stuff out there.
In the 27 years of my life, I have been on a pretty average amount of dates. Not a ridiculous amount, but dating wasn't void from my life either. Simply put, I despise dating. I hate the small talk, I hate the awkward meetings and "oh is he going to call?" crap that society and the media tells us is normal. I have always been a self proclaimed "relationship girl", meaning that I am great at being committed, I am great at being a girlfriend.
I have claimed to be in 5 "relationships" in the past. One was a few years, with the shortest being about 5 months. What I have come to learn, is that time doesn't matter. It's all about the quality and the messy stuff that relationships are made out of that really matters. Out of these 5 "relationships", 3 ended in me being cheated on for an extended amount of time. Needless to say, I have some trust issues. Another relationship ended because he committed suicide. Enter major attachment issues and fear into my life.
Where I am going with all this...is that I feel like up until this point in my life, I really haven't ever been in a legitimate relationship.
RELATIONSHIP-
noun
"The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people, are connected."
See that part that says "TWO" ?
Every last one of my previous "relationships" have been completely one sided. I didn't just come up with this, in fact, many people in my life TOLD me this during these relationships, since it was that obvious. I was a girl, who wanted NOTHING else in life but to be loved. So I searched for it in all the wrong places, and with all the wrong people, and ended up nowhere. I ended up feeling severely battered on a mental level, hopeless, worthless, and broken.
That's when I "quit" dating. It wasn't initially for the reasons I should of taken a break from the whole dating scene, but it was more because I felt un-date-able. I felt like no one would want to be with such a screwed up chick.
It was in this few year time span, that I really started to grow into myself. Try new things, experiment with life, do what I wanted. It was this past year then, when I really took to the grindstone and dedicated all my time to healing and working on myself on a mental level. Accepting my past, accepting myself for exactly who I am, accepting the crap I went though and the pain I experienced, and forgiving all of it. The great attempt to move on and push forward. This is not something that you just say "I forgive you past!" and it's all hunky dory...it takes a loooong time, and I'm still going through it, but I am getting somewhere, and I am succeeding, even if it's one tiny step at a time.
As you all know, I am in a relationship with THE most caring, supportive, and devoted man I have ever met. Our relationship is nothing, NOTHING, like my experiences of the past. He and I work together constantly to communicate our fears, to work out our problems, while also just having such a mutual understanding and love and respect for eachother. THIS truly is a relationship. This is the first relationship in my life. It is mindblowing, it is messy, and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and been a part in creating. I cannot express properly how grateful I am, how humbled I am, to be in this mans life, and he in mine.
Now with all that said, the original thought that triggered me to write his whole stinkin long post, was that relationships, are a massive work of art in which the paintbrushes are communication.
I always thought that I was this extremely vulnerable person who was completely open to everyone I met. I have come to realize that I wasn't vulnerable, I was fragile, and I was being open, but only about specific things. I became very good at hiding pain, hiding my real feelings towards things, in hopes of just making people happy and being able to be this positive part of peoples lives. Which is all well and good, and I continue to want to be that. The thing is, I have to be honest with myself, and with others, in order to create a really solid, legit foundation to build a fantastic, positive, loving relationship off of.
Being open and completely vulnerable, and communicating my thoughts and anxieties, is so scary. SO. SCARY. But also very rewarding, in that when I tell someone how I really feel, and what I am going through, and what thoughts are zipping around in my head at 100mph, that connects us more and it allows that person to help me, and in turn, make our bond even stronger.
The scariest part of this realization and putting it into action, has been the feedback from the other person. I have such a strong fear that the minute I completely open up my crazy head to someone, they are going to tell me goodbye, because who wants to deal with this mess when there are so many other beautiful people out there that HAVE their shit together? That's where self confidence comes in, that's where trust comes in, and that's where letting go of fear comes in. 3 things that have always been a major struggle for me.
Everyday is a new mini struggle, but it honestly IS getting better. It's hard to see because by opening myself up like this to people in my life, it really helps me, and then also gives me that fear again. Right now I feel a lot of highs and lows because of this...little victories in the right direction, followed by anxiety the next day of "oh my gosh maybe I should of just kept my mouth shut". One day, I know those anxieties will lessen and maybe even completely disappear from my life. It's all a process, and I am so thankful to have people in my life that are willing to work with me through this, especially Jesse.
I am closer than I have ever been, and there are still days I want to give up...that's when I pray. That's when I put my faith in God, and ask for peace.
This life of mine is no longer just me, it's God, it's the love of my life, it's my families (blood or not), it's my future family, my future children, it's people I've met, and people I'll meet today or tomorrow...my life is one massive relationship.
The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.
I love you.
In the 27 years of my life, I have been on a pretty average amount of dates. Not a ridiculous amount, but dating wasn't void from my life either. Simply put, I despise dating. I hate the small talk, I hate the awkward meetings and "oh is he going to call?" crap that society and the media tells us is normal. I have always been a self proclaimed "relationship girl", meaning that I am great at being committed, I am great at being a girlfriend.
I have claimed to be in 5 "relationships" in the past. One was a few years, with the shortest being about 5 months. What I have come to learn, is that time doesn't matter. It's all about the quality and the messy stuff that relationships are made out of that really matters. Out of these 5 "relationships", 3 ended in me being cheated on for an extended amount of time. Needless to say, I have some trust issues. Another relationship ended because he committed suicide. Enter major attachment issues and fear into my life.
Where I am going with all this...is that I feel like up until this point in my life, I really haven't ever been in a legitimate relationship.
RELATIONSHIP-
noun
"The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people, are connected."
See that part that says "TWO" ?
Every last one of my previous "relationships" have been completely one sided. I didn't just come up with this, in fact, many people in my life TOLD me this during these relationships, since it was that obvious. I was a girl, who wanted NOTHING else in life but to be loved. So I searched for it in all the wrong places, and with all the wrong people, and ended up nowhere. I ended up feeling severely battered on a mental level, hopeless, worthless, and broken.
That's when I "quit" dating. It wasn't initially for the reasons I should of taken a break from the whole dating scene, but it was more because I felt un-date-able. I felt like no one would want to be with such a screwed up chick.
It was in this few year time span, that I really started to grow into myself. Try new things, experiment with life, do what I wanted. It was this past year then, when I really took to the grindstone and dedicated all my time to healing and working on myself on a mental level. Accepting my past, accepting myself for exactly who I am, accepting the crap I went though and the pain I experienced, and forgiving all of it. The great attempt to move on and push forward. This is not something that you just say "I forgive you past!" and it's all hunky dory...it takes a loooong time, and I'm still going through it, but I am getting somewhere, and I am succeeding, even if it's one tiny step at a time.
As you all know, I am in a relationship with THE most caring, supportive, and devoted man I have ever met. Our relationship is nothing, NOTHING, like my experiences of the past. He and I work together constantly to communicate our fears, to work out our problems, while also just having such a mutual understanding and love and respect for eachother. THIS truly is a relationship. This is the first relationship in my life. It is mindblowing, it is messy, and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and been a part in creating. I cannot express properly how grateful I am, how humbled I am, to be in this mans life, and he in mine.
Now with all that said, the original thought that triggered me to write his whole stinkin long post, was that relationships, are a massive work of art in which the paintbrushes are communication.
I always thought that I was this extremely vulnerable person who was completely open to everyone I met. I have come to realize that I wasn't vulnerable, I was fragile, and I was being open, but only about specific things. I became very good at hiding pain, hiding my real feelings towards things, in hopes of just making people happy and being able to be this positive part of peoples lives. Which is all well and good, and I continue to want to be that. The thing is, I have to be honest with myself, and with others, in order to create a really solid, legit foundation to build a fantastic, positive, loving relationship off of.
Being open and completely vulnerable, and communicating my thoughts and anxieties, is so scary. SO. SCARY. But also very rewarding, in that when I tell someone how I really feel, and what I am going through, and what thoughts are zipping around in my head at 100mph, that connects us more and it allows that person to help me, and in turn, make our bond even stronger.
The scariest part of this realization and putting it into action, has been the feedback from the other person. I have such a strong fear that the minute I completely open up my crazy head to someone, they are going to tell me goodbye, because who wants to deal with this mess when there are so many other beautiful people out there that HAVE their shit together? That's where self confidence comes in, that's where trust comes in, and that's where letting go of fear comes in. 3 things that have always been a major struggle for me.
Everyday is a new mini struggle, but it honestly IS getting better. It's hard to see because by opening myself up like this to people in my life, it really helps me, and then also gives me that fear again. Right now I feel a lot of highs and lows because of this...little victories in the right direction, followed by anxiety the next day of "oh my gosh maybe I should of just kept my mouth shut". One day, I know those anxieties will lessen and maybe even completely disappear from my life. It's all a process, and I am so thankful to have people in my life that are willing to work with me through this, especially Jesse.
I am closer than I have ever been, and there are still days I want to give up...that's when I pray. That's when I put my faith in God, and ask for peace.
This life of mine is no longer just me, it's God, it's the love of my life, it's my families (blood or not), it's my future family, my future children, it's people I've met, and people I'll meet today or tomorrow...my life is one massive relationship.
The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.
I love you.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
My "Coming Out" Story
So.
I've been contemplating writing this entry for a little while now. Somedays I feel really intent on writing it, other days I feel fearful of writing it.
Today I'm going to write it. Opening myself up to being completely vulnerable has been an ongoing lesson it seems this past month or so. Being honest with myself and other people. And having faith that hopefully they will still want to be in my life.
I've written a few blogs in the past about finding God, and my personal relationship that I am trying to rebuild. I am not one to usually openly profess a relationship with God, with my hands in the air, jumping for joy, singing at the top of my lungs. I think that's beautiful, but it's just not the way I roll yet. All of this is deeply personal, and to be brutally honest, opening up about religion, about my faith, is almost embarrassing to me.
Let me explain.
I shunned God from my life when my past boyfriend committed suicide. I hated God, and I vowed to never allow him into my life again, because if he really WAS this incredible creator, this higher power, than why the hell would he allow something like this to happen? Why would he take from me someone I loved, and in the process, try and kill me as well due to a severe suicidal depression? I figured I had a better shot at this life fighting for myself, believing in nothing (because didn't that just bring more disappointment and pain in the long run?) and going it alone.
Obviously this way of thinking isn't healthy, and during the nearly 5 years of "going it alone" I hit rock bottom multiple times, went through the daily motions of life without feeling anything, lost friendships, became incredibly shallow, and became a person that I really don't know, or ever want to know again. I became a character of myself. If I wasn't being real, then I wouldn't really get hurt right? If I surrounded myself with people who thought I was funky, uninhibited, and crazy, then I wouldn't feel the major holes in my life that I created where people who truly did love me for me used to be, and where God used to be.
Then one day, I met my best friend in the Miami airport during her layover. I was inspired to come back home, back to a safe zone, and finally start to leave this destructive, unhappy life behind me. And by some miracle, I did come back home.
I started to heal. I still AM healing. I started to genuinely feel things again, which was incredibly difficult and scary. I started to wipe off my character, and become the true Jamie again. One morning, God placed a man in a green flannel shirt on my porch, and I made him breakfast, and we fell in love, and over green juice and mango salsa, he opened my eyes which were closed tight for so many years. I felt true hope again.This was just the start of it all.
Fast forward nearly 8 months to today, and here sits a changed girl. I am still healing, I probably always will be in some kind of healing process, but I feel so...so...blessed. It's not just the lack of makeup, my shabby clothing, and my constantly meager bank account that show that I have changed. Those are the physical aspects. Mentally, I am becoming a person I have always wanted to be, a glimmer of a person I once was when life wasn't so heavy, and it's getting better and better with every passing day.
Where I am going with all this, is besides the support of my amazing family, besides meeting the love of my life, besides taking months to really allow myself to be alone with my mind, to deal with so many anxieties and fears of mine, and besides being back in Oregon where I feel like I can breathe again...I have let God back into my life. Granted he was there all along, but I was blind to him, or maybe I wasn't even blind, I was ignoring him and not allowing him to have a place in my life.
The reason admitting this to you frightens and embarrasses me, is because I know it will turn people away from me. People that I DO care about, some immensely. I used to be that person...the one who would poke fun of people because they believed in God, the one who would make rude jokes, mock people behind their backs, and laugh at them because of how stupid they seemed...to be believing in something that doesn't exist.
To those people I would mock- please forgive me. I am not that person any longer, and I really mean it when I say that I said those things, and mocked you behind your back, because I felt so alone and so scared, and just wanted to fit in somewhere. Who am I to say what someone should and shouldn't believe in? Who am I to say how someone spends their Sunday? If you believe in something, I think you are amazing. It doesn't have to be what I believe in, it doesn't even have to make a lick of sense, I commend you for staying true to you and your beliefs. It's a truly beautiful thing that takes courage. And if believing in whatever you believe in makes you happy, and gives you peace throughout your day, then I couldn't be happier for you.
I believe in God, and I have faith in him.
I am not part of any specific religion, I merely am a 27 year old girl, who is figuring out life one tiny step at a time. I am building a relationship with God again, and I want you to be aware of that, and hopefully have you be happy about that. I am happier and feel more content and full of hope, than I ever have felt in my entire life. I truly feel like I am alive these days. This is not saying that I won't have horrible dark days still, but at least now, I will always know that there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel waiting to wrap me in warmth and love.
I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I wish each and everyone of you could feel this feeling of joy that I have. This growing feeling of having hope that everything will be ok as long as I continue to put my trust and faith in God.
Thank you so much for reading this. I love you.
I've been contemplating writing this entry for a little while now. Somedays I feel really intent on writing it, other days I feel fearful of writing it.
Today I'm going to write it. Opening myself up to being completely vulnerable has been an ongoing lesson it seems this past month or so. Being honest with myself and other people. And having faith that hopefully they will still want to be in my life.
I've written a few blogs in the past about finding God, and my personal relationship that I am trying to rebuild. I am not one to usually openly profess a relationship with God, with my hands in the air, jumping for joy, singing at the top of my lungs. I think that's beautiful, but it's just not the way I roll yet. All of this is deeply personal, and to be brutally honest, opening up about religion, about my faith, is almost embarrassing to me.
Let me explain.
I shunned God from my life when my past boyfriend committed suicide. I hated God, and I vowed to never allow him into my life again, because if he really WAS this incredible creator, this higher power, than why the hell would he allow something like this to happen? Why would he take from me someone I loved, and in the process, try and kill me as well due to a severe suicidal depression? I figured I had a better shot at this life fighting for myself, believing in nothing (because didn't that just bring more disappointment and pain in the long run?) and going it alone.
Obviously this way of thinking isn't healthy, and during the nearly 5 years of "going it alone" I hit rock bottom multiple times, went through the daily motions of life without feeling anything, lost friendships, became incredibly shallow, and became a person that I really don't know, or ever want to know again. I became a character of myself. If I wasn't being real, then I wouldn't really get hurt right? If I surrounded myself with people who thought I was funky, uninhibited, and crazy, then I wouldn't feel the major holes in my life that I created where people who truly did love me for me used to be, and where God used to be.
Then one day, I met my best friend in the Miami airport during her layover. I was inspired to come back home, back to a safe zone, and finally start to leave this destructive, unhappy life behind me. And by some miracle, I did come back home.
I started to heal. I still AM healing. I started to genuinely feel things again, which was incredibly difficult and scary. I started to wipe off my character, and become the true Jamie again. One morning, God placed a man in a green flannel shirt on my porch, and I made him breakfast, and we fell in love, and over green juice and mango salsa, he opened my eyes which were closed tight for so many years. I felt true hope again.This was just the start of it all.
Fast forward nearly 8 months to today, and here sits a changed girl. I am still healing, I probably always will be in some kind of healing process, but I feel so...so...blessed. It's not just the lack of makeup, my shabby clothing, and my constantly meager bank account that show that I have changed. Those are the physical aspects. Mentally, I am becoming a person I have always wanted to be, a glimmer of a person I once was when life wasn't so heavy, and it's getting better and better with every passing day.
Where I am going with all this, is besides the support of my amazing family, besides meeting the love of my life, besides taking months to really allow myself to be alone with my mind, to deal with so many anxieties and fears of mine, and besides being back in Oregon where I feel like I can breathe again...I have let God back into my life. Granted he was there all along, but I was blind to him, or maybe I wasn't even blind, I was ignoring him and not allowing him to have a place in my life.
The reason admitting this to you frightens and embarrasses me, is because I know it will turn people away from me. People that I DO care about, some immensely. I used to be that person...the one who would poke fun of people because they believed in God, the one who would make rude jokes, mock people behind their backs, and laugh at them because of how stupid they seemed...to be believing in something that doesn't exist.
To those people I would mock- please forgive me. I am not that person any longer, and I really mean it when I say that I said those things, and mocked you behind your back, because I felt so alone and so scared, and just wanted to fit in somewhere. Who am I to say what someone should and shouldn't believe in? Who am I to say how someone spends their Sunday? If you believe in something, I think you are amazing. It doesn't have to be what I believe in, it doesn't even have to make a lick of sense, I commend you for staying true to you and your beliefs. It's a truly beautiful thing that takes courage. And if believing in whatever you believe in makes you happy, and gives you peace throughout your day, then I couldn't be happier for you.
I believe in God, and I have faith in him.
I am not part of any specific religion, I merely am a 27 year old girl, who is figuring out life one tiny step at a time. I am building a relationship with God again, and I want you to be aware of that, and hopefully have you be happy about that. I am happier and feel more content and full of hope, than I ever have felt in my entire life. I truly feel like I am alive these days. This is not saying that I won't have horrible dark days still, but at least now, I will always know that there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel waiting to wrap me in warmth and love.
I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I wish each and everyone of you could feel this feeling of joy that I have. This growing feeling of having hope that everything will be ok as long as I continue to put my trust and faith in God.
Thank you so much for reading this. I love you.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Blog of a Blessed Girl
It's been far too long since I took a moment to get cozy and write! Let's do this.
My life the past few weeks has been astonishing.
I am in love with the most incredible man I have ever met.I'm not talking Disney princess love. I'm talking real, not always pretty, but always genuine and beautiful love. I realize the few people that may actually read my thoughts here, most likely don't want to read pages of me gushing about this man...but simply put, he saved me on a human level, has helped me rekindled my faith, and has filled my world with so much sunshine-just by being himself, and allowing me to be myself in return. I am not putting him on a pedestal here, because that isn't a realistic thing to do to any human being...but I am absolutely crazy for him, and I know God put us in each other's lives for a very beautiful and special reason. I've honestly never felt so blessed.
In lieu of making our relationship "official" towards the end of July, I was also given the opportunity to volunteer and get my hands dirty for a backwoods music festival out in the boonies of Oregon. It's called BurntWoodsStock (you probably have passed the huge red barn on the side of Highway 20 on the way to Newport COUNTLESS times. They have the roof painted now with a sign advertising the festival!)
Arriving at the farm house on that property was instantly magical.
One single step in the door and you are automatically treated like a long lost family member, and are encircled in warmth and affection. I've never felt so welcomed and so embraced for being exactly who I am. I wish everyone could experience a moment like that...it's a life changer :)
So anyways, I helped out on the owners property for a couple days with a dear friend, and eventually my boyfriend. There is something seriously spiritual about rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty, sweating a lot, smelling bad, and yet connecting with complete strangers over a mutual task of bringing this awesome music festival to life. I already cannot wait to help more next year, for a much longer period of time than a few days! I seriously urge those of you who live in the Willamette Valley area (or even farther away) to help out next year. You will not regret it.
A couple days pass, and the first day of BurntWoodStock is now upon us. Excitement in my veins, incredible amounts of love in my heart, the man I love next to me, hot sun all around, and the vibrations of a funky bass guitar tickling my skin. The festival is family friendly, so there are awesome little kids running all over the forests and fields, large families of people camping together, talking, connecting, dancing, singing. BurntWoodsStock is 3 straight days of exactly how the world should be EVERY day. It was bliss. And having that weekend end has been honestly really difficult for me.
To feel such a natural high due to good music, people treating each other with love and compassion no matter their background or identity, feeling free and uninhibited to dance till 3am, sing at the top of your lungs...to just...BE..was addicting. I want more of it. Leaving BurntWoodsStock, leaving my boyfriend, our friends new and old, leaving the dust and dirt of the ground. It was heartbreaking. Coming home to a house with fresh clean air conditioning, a really nice shower, and clean "proper" clothes was really hard. I felt so alive those 3 days, so connected and in tune with the world around me and with the people around me. I realize how blessed and bountiful my "real" life is, and I am so thankful, but every day since then I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to get back out into the world. Just as me. No makeup, unwashed hair, dirt under my nails, the man I love holding my hand, and just forming relationships with people I meet along the way in this life. Positive impacts. Simple, no frills, life.
Am I morphing from a girl longing to be a retro pin up chick who was always covered in makeup and hairspray, to a certified Oregon hippy? Pretty much. And I have never been happier and I have never felt more in tune with myself. Granted I was raised out in the boondocks and was a total country kid growing up. I love the outdoors so so much, and I have always been drawn to nature and respect it and have a deep appreciation for it. The last few years though I feel like I created this other character of myself, and have just been living in her shell for a very long time. Now I'm Jamie. Just Jamie.
You're probably wondering-how high was I this whole time? I wasn't under the influence of a single thing besides life itself, and a tinge of exhaustion.
My life is changing, in a way I never really imagined it to. God has some major things at work here, and I have never felt so content in my future and so at peace with where I am at currently, even though it is all completely unknown to me. This doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am free of my constant anxiety attacks and depression...but I feel like I have found hope, I am allowing myself to accept Jesse's love, I am allowing myself to BE loved and move on from all the sadness of my past, GIVING my love unconditionally, and I am allowing myself to be the truest form of myself. This is just the beginning. It bears repeating- I feel so incredibly blessed.
The craziest part is, I have never been so poor in my entire life. I have never been so dependent on other people in my entire life, and I have never had so little. I have been completely stripped down to the bare essentials, and it hasn't scared me one bit. In fact, I feel more at ease and in control of my life than ever before. Granted, I really do need at least a part time job, but I know it'll happen when it is supposed to. I'm staying proactive, keeping my eyes open, but I am not letting the fact that I have fallen out of the flow of society wreck me anymore. I'm ok. I'm MORE than ok. I am HAPPY :)
I am going to create an incredible gathering at some point in my life. An ode to BurntWoodsStock somewhere in the world. A place where people from all walks of life can come together and just be happy that they are alive, that they are with each other, and that we all live on this incredible world.
This is what life is about.
Connecting.
Community.
Family.
Relationships.
Support.
Expression.
Faith/Hope.
Being true to who you are.
And most importantly- Love.
I will be honest and say that on a daily basis I have small twangs of panic, where I feel like this euphoric state I am in will just be swept out from under my feet again in a flash. My world will again completely crumble down and I honestly don't know if I could survive that again. But...God has a plan. And in this moment, I am completely happy, and I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and soak up this incredible life we are each given from day one. My hopes are high.
To my family the Kish's and the Mitchell's, my incredible brother whom I miss more than I can express, my two best girl friends Clair and Sonja, to my new extended family that I just recently met and have fallen head over heels for, to my good friends, new friends, to people I have yet to meet, to Julz and Jim in Burnt Woods, to those who I cherish immensely but haven't seen in years, and to my Sunshine who I will love whether he is a hurricane or a still day....
Thank you. For all that you do, have done, and will do for me. Thank you for filling my life with joy, and for helping me up when I fall so far down. Thank you for drying my tears, for pushing me, or for merely just listening to me when I need to talk. For making me laugh, for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. For opening my eyes and heart, for showing me new experiences. For taking me in, showering me with love, for embracing me. For being an example. For loving me no matter what stage I am in this life of mine. I am forever thankful and grateful for you. I love you. Please know that. I. Love. YOU.
Keep shining <3 br="" nbsp="">
My life the past few weeks has been astonishing.
I am in love with the most incredible man I have ever met.I'm not talking Disney princess love. I'm talking real, not always pretty, but always genuine and beautiful love. I realize the few people that may actually read my thoughts here, most likely don't want to read pages of me gushing about this man...but simply put, he saved me on a human level, has helped me rekindled my faith, and has filled my world with so much sunshine-just by being himself, and allowing me to be myself in return. I am not putting him on a pedestal here, because that isn't a realistic thing to do to any human being...but I am absolutely crazy for him, and I know God put us in each other's lives for a very beautiful and special reason. I've honestly never felt so blessed.
In lieu of making our relationship "official" towards the end of July, I was also given the opportunity to volunteer and get my hands dirty for a backwoods music festival out in the boonies of Oregon. It's called BurntWoodsStock (you probably have passed the huge red barn on the side of Highway 20 on the way to Newport COUNTLESS times. They have the roof painted now with a sign advertising the festival!)
Arriving at the farm house on that property was instantly magical.
One single step in the door and you are automatically treated like a long lost family member, and are encircled in warmth and affection. I've never felt so welcomed and so embraced for being exactly who I am. I wish everyone could experience a moment like that...it's a life changer :)
So anyways, I helped out on the owners property for a couple days with a dear friend, and eventually my boyfriend. There is something seriously spiritual about rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty, sweating a lot, smelling bad, and yet connecting with complete strangers over a mutual task of bringing this awesome music festival to life. I already cannot wait to help more next year, for a much longer period of time than a few days! I seriously urge those of you who live in the Willamette Valley area (or even farther away) to help out next year. You will not regret it.
A couple days pass, and the first day of BurntWoodStock is now upon us. Excitement in my veins, incredible amounts of love in my heart, the man I love next to me, hot sun all around, and the vibrations of a funky bass guitar tickling my skin. The festival is family friendly, so there are awesome little kids running all over the forests and fields, large families of people camping together, talking, connecting, dancing, singing. BurntWoodsStock is 3 straight days of exactly how the world should be EVERY day. It was bliss. And having that weekend end has been honestly really difficult for me.
To feel such a natural high due to good music, people treating each other with love and compassion no matter their background or identity, feeling free and uninhibited to dance till 3am, sing at the top of your lungs...to just...BE..was addicting. I want more of it. Leaving BurntWoodsStock, leaving my boyfriend, our friends new and old, leaving the dust and dirt of the ground. It was heartbreaking. Coming home to a house with fresh clean air conditioning, a really nice shower, and clean "proper" clothes was really hard. I felt so alive those 3 days, so connected and in tune with the world around me and with the people around me. I realize how blessed and bountiful my "real" life is, and I am so thankful, but every day since then I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to get back out into the world. Just as me. No makeup, unwashed hair, dirt under my nails, the man I love holding my hand, and just forming relationships with people I meet along the way in this life. Positive impacts. Simple, no frills, life.
Am I morphing from a girl longing to be a retro pin up chick who was always covered in makeup and hairspray, to a certified Oregon hippy? Pretty much. And I have never been happier and I have never felt more in tune with myself. Granted I was raised out in the boondocks and was a total country kid growing up. I love the outdoors so so much, and I have always been drawn to nature and respect it and have a deep appreciation for it. The last few years though I feel like I created this other character of myself, and have just been living in her shell for a very long time. Now I'm Jamie. Just Jamie.
You're probably wondering-how high was I this whole time? I wasn't under the influence of a single thing besides life itself, and a tinge of exhaustion.
My life is changing, in a way I never really imagined it to. God has some major things at work here, and I have never felt so content in my future and so at peace with where I am at currently, even though it is all completely unknown to me. This doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am free of my constant anxiety attacks and depression...but I feel like I have found hope, I am allowing myself to accept Jesse's love, I am allowing myself to BE loved and move on from all the sadness of my past, GIVING my love unconditionally, and I am allowing myself to be the truest form of myself. This is just the beginning. It bears repeating- I feel so incredibly blessed.
The craziest part is, I have never been so poor in my entire life. I have never been so dependent on other people in my entire life, and I have never had so little. I have been completely stripped down to the bare essentials, and it hasn't scared me one bit. In fact, I feel more at ease and in control of my life than ever before. Granted, I really do need at least a part time job, but I know it'll happen when it is supposed to. I'm staying proactive, keeping my eyes open, but I am not letting the fact that I have fallen out of the flow of society wreck me anymore. I'm ok. I'm MORE than ok. I am HAPPY :)
I am going to create an incredible gathering at some point in my life. An ode to BurntWoodsStock somewhere in the world. A place where people from all walks of life can come together and just be happy that they are alive, that they are with each other, and that we all live on this incredible world.
This is what life is about.
Connecting.
Community.
Family.
Relationships.
Support.
Expression.
Faith/Hope.
Being true to who you are.
And most importantly- Love.
I will be honest and say that on a daily basis I have small twangs of panic, where I feel like this euphoric state I am in will just be swept out from under my feet again in a flash. My world will again completely crumble down and I honestly don't know if I could survive that again. But...God has a plan. And in this moment, I am completely happy, and I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and soak up this incredible life we are each given from day one. My hopes are high.
To my family the Kish's and the Mitchell's, my incredible brother whom I miss more than I can express, my two best girl friends Clair and Sonja, to my new extended family that I just recently met and have fallen head over heels for, to my good friends, new friends, to people I have yet to meet, to Julz and Jim in Burnt Woods, to those who I cherish immensely but haven't seen in years, and to my Sunshine who I will love whether he is a hurricane or a still day....
Thank you. For all that you do, have done, and will do for me. Thank you for filling my life with joy, and for helping me up when I fall so far down. Thank you for drying my tears, for pushing me, or for merely just listening to me when I need to talk. For making me laugh, for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. For opening my eyes and heart, for showing me new experiences. For taking me in, showering me with love, for embracing me. For being an example. For loving me no matter what stage I am in this life of mine. I am forever thankful and grateful for you. I love you. Please know that. I. Love. YOU.
Keep shining <3 br="" nbsp="">
Monday, July 1, 2013
Soul Writing
I just feel like writing.
I think I'm going to go away for awhile. Not like...to the coast. Go away to a different country.
Lately I've just been feeling this overwhelming feeling that there is so much out there that is much, much larger than I am.
The other day I was at Safeway, and I was walking back to my car with my bag in hand. There was a man on the corner of the parking lot with a cardboard sign that said "anything will help." I placed my bag in my car, grabbed an apple I just bought out of it, and scraped up a dollar of change in my cupholder and walked across the road to him.
I didn't get his name, but he was very sweet, and very appreciative for my small gesture. We passed a couple seconds of small talk between us and then I said "have a wonderful day" and started walking back to my car. I stopped about 7 steps out, turned around and went back to him and told him I would like to give him a hug.
And we hugged. And for a split second I was a major part of his world. He has been a major part of my world for the past week.
The longer I am unemployed by any "real world" company or legit job, the more I feel this overwhelming sense of "there is a larger world out there". I feel like I'm slipping out of the constant stress and worry of having a job/looking for a job, having rent, feeding myself and my cat, wondering how I am going to afford gas to get to work etc etc...
I don't have those worries for the most part. And I love that fact.
I feel like I can SEE more clearly. I FEEL more. I don't feel the need to be earning substantial amounts of money, but I feel the incredible need to make an impact. Up until this point of my life, I was living life for myself. Which, don't get me wrong, you need to take care of YOU first and foremost. From the safety procedure booklets on airplanes, to the Dalai Lama, a major theme in life is that you must take care of yourself before taking care of others. Whether that be physically, mentally, or spiritually.
I've done a lot of living in my 27 years. I am so thankful for every experience I have gone through, including the ones that nearly took my life. I feel like I need to step outside of my box though. Outside of my normal daily way of life- "Shower, dry hair, put on makeup, pick out clothes, etc etc".
I want to live my life for God. I want to live my life to help others and this world. The best part is that by flipping my world upside down like this, will in turn not just make me truly happy, and will positively impact those I come in contact with...but it will nurture me and lift me up on a soul level.
I know some of you may be thinking-"Woooow Jamie has really gone off the deep end this time." and probably think that I'm drenched in tie die and smell like patchouli...maybe I am morphing into the stereotypical Oregon Hippy.
I assure you though, that I am still just me. With less makeup, and messy hair. With less money, less employment, less rent. More clarity, more time to give to others, more spirit, more faith, and more hope.
In the next couple months I will need your help. And I will ask for it when I am ready and truly need it.
Until then, as always, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I continue to explore my options, try and maintain a healthy mind and body, and continue to struggle and overcome things.
Love is what this life of ours is all about. I am not a guru, I am not a monk, I am not a priest or a rabbi or any person of any significance...but the meaning of your life is LOVE. Not candlelit dinner love...the kind that you feel so deep inside you it scares you a little, yet you cannot help but spread it to others so they can feel what you feel. Unconditional love. On a God level and on a personal human level. I've been feeling this and learning this for the past 8 months, and I don't think I could live life without this feeling now.
I challenge you to step outside your box and show and give love to someone. Be vulnerable. Open yourself up. Let love in.
I love YOU :)
I think I'm going to go away for awhile. Not like...to the coast. Go away to a different country.
Lately I've just been feeling this overwhelming feeling that there is so much out there that is much, much larger than I am.
The other day I was at Safeway, and I was walking back to my car with my bag in hand. There was a man on the corner of the parking lot with a cardboard sign that said "anything will help." I placed my bag in my car, grabbed an apple I just bought out of it, and scraped up a dollar of change in my cupholder and walked across the road to him.
I didn't get his name, but he was very sweet, and very appreciative for my small gesture. We passed a couple seconds of small talk between us and then I said "have a wonderful day" and started walking back to my car. I stopped about 7 steps out, turned around and went back to him and told him I would like to give him a hug.
And we hugged. And for a split second I was a major part of his world. He has been a major part of my world for the past week.
The longer I am unemployed by any "real world" company or legit job, the more I feel this overwhelming sense of "there is a larger world out there". I feel like I'm slipping out of the constant stress and worry of having a job/looking for a job, having rent, feeding myself and my cat, wondering how I am going to afford gas to get to work etc etc...
I don't have those worries for the most part. And I love that fact.
I feel like I can SEE more clearly. I FEEL more. I don't feel the need to be earning substantial amounts of money, but I feel the incredible need to make an impact. Up until this point of my life, I was living life for myself. Which, don't get me wrong, you need to take care of YOU first and foremost. From the safety procedure booklets on airplanes, to the Dalai Lama, a major theme in life is that you must take care of yourself before taking care of others. Whether that be physically, mentally, or spiritually.
I've done a lot of living in my 27 years. I am so thankful for every experience I have gone through, including the ones that nearly took my life. I feel like I need to step outside of my box though. Outside of my normal daily way of life- "Shower, dry hair, put on makeup, pick out clothes, etc etc".
I want to live my life for God. I want to live my life to help others and this world. The best part is that by flipping my world upside down like this, will in turn not just make me truly happy, and will positively impact those I come in contact with...but it will nurture me and lift me up on a soul level.
I know some of you may be thinking-"Woooow Jamie has really gone off the deep end this time." and probably think that I'm drenched in tie die and smell like patchouli...maybe I am morphing into the stereotypical Oregon Hippy.
I assure you though, that I am still just me. With less makeup, and messy hair. With less money, less employment, less rent. More clarity, more time to give to others, more spirit, more faith, and more hope.
In the next couple months I will need your help. And I will ask for it when I am ready and truly need it.
Until then, as always, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I continue to explore my options, try and maintain a healthy mind and body, and continue to struggle and overcome things.
Love is what this life of ours is all about. I am not a guru, I am not a monk, I am not a priest or a rabbi or any person of any significance...but the meaning of your life is LOVE. Not candlelit dinner love...the kind that you feel so deep inside you it scares you a little, yet you cannot help but spread it to others so they can feel what you feel. Unconditional love. On a God level and on a personal human level. I've been feeling this and learning this for the past 8 months, and I don't think I could live life without this feeling now.
I challenge you to step outside your box and show and give love to someone. Be vulnerable. Open yourself up. Let love in.
I love YOU :)
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Rock Climbing Slips
This past week has been ridiculous.
I feel like I've been rock climbing the past 7months, so close to getting to the peak, and this week I just couldnt get my footing correctly and my fingers were bleeding, and I didn't get any farther up the cliff face. If anything I slid back some.
I'm not sure what my issue is. I feel like I'm full of fear. I feel like I am allowing my past to dictate my todays and tomorrows, and it is pissing me off.
I need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap that I have experienced. I am not that person anymore. Those experiences have shaped me, but they do not define me. I need to let go. I need to stop thinking that everyone I get close to is going to die. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to go to a dark place like that. I need to find a sense of calm every single day.
The past week I am constantly trying to find that calmness, that peace, and I'm not finding it. I'll have it for about 20min at a time and then slip again.
My greatest fear right now is that my constant slipping is negatively affecting those around me, which is the last thing I want to do. This fear on top of my anxiety is becoming crippling and I am not sure what to do at this point.
I have been turning a lot to God. I feel like he is the only one who won't be frustrated by my tears or won't judge me by how I am feeling. I'm praying and praying and I still feel no sense of peace. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's trying to show me or teach me.
I've been writing lists. One column titled "How I Feel" and another titled "How I Want To Feel". And those lists always help, but at the same time, they make me want to feel the "want to feels" even more and the reality that I am not feeling those hits me.
Today my goal is to allow myself to let go of what I have been through in the past. To allow myself for one last time to feel that pain, and then move on.
I also need to try and actually eat today. I've lost 10lbs the past 5 days because I haven't really been able to eat. I mean...sweet 10lbs gone! haha but...I need to go about this the healthy way, not the starving myself of nutrients way.
I need to do this for me, my family, and one individual that I care about and love beyond words. I need to allow myself to move on from my past so I can truly be a bright light to those around me, and so I can continue to work on my relationships, including that with God.
I am going out into the country to a lake with my two best friends this weekend, and it can't happen soon enough. I think those two days will really be beneficial and allow me to breathe a little, and swim CONSTANTLY which always makes me feel better.
If you pray, please, please keep me in your prayers. I always feel bad asking people to pray for me because I feel like there are so many other people out there who need it more than I do...but right now, please keep me in your prayers.
If you don't pray, please keep me in your thoughts and send me love and positive vibes.
I will reach this peak and I will stand up at the top of this cliff and see the sun. I have got to.
I feel like I've been rock climbing the past 7months, so close to getting to the peak, and this week I just couldnt get my footing correctly and my fingers were bleeding, and I didn't get any farther up the cliff face. If anything I slid back some.
I'm not sure what my issue is. I feel like I'm full of fear. I feel like I am allowing my past to dictate my todays and tomorrows, and it is pissing me off.
I need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap that I have experienced. I am not that person anymore. Those experiences have shaped me, but they do not define me. I need to let go. I need to stop thinking that everyone I get close to is going to die. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to go to a dark place like that. I need to find a sense of calm every single day.
The past week I am constantly trying to find that calmness, that peace, and I'm not finding it. I'll have it for about 20min at a time and then slip again.
My greatest fear right now is that my constant slipping is negatively affecting those around me, which is the last thing I want to do. This fear on top of my anxiety is becoming crippling and I am not sure what to do at this point.
I have been turning a lot to God. I feel like he is the only one who won't be frustrated by my tears or won't judge me by how I am feeling. I'm praying and praying and I still feel no sense of peace. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's trying to show me or teach me.
I've been writing lists. One column titled "How I Feel" and another titled "How I Want To Feel". And those lists always help, but at the same time, they make me want to feel the "want to feels" even more and the reality that I am not feeling those hits me.
Today my goal is to allow myself to let go of what I have been through in the past. To allow myself for one last time to feel that pain, and then move on.
I also need to try and actually eat today. I've lost 10lbs the past 5 days because I haven't really been able to eat. I mean...sweet 10lbs gone! haha but...I need to go about this the healthy way, not the starving myself of nutrients way.
I need to do this for me, my family, and one individual that I care about and love beyond words. I need to allow myself to move on from my past so I can truly be a bright light to those around me, and so I can continue to work on my relationships, including that with God.
I am going out into the country to a lake with my two best friends this weekend, and it can't happen soon enough. I think those two days will really be beneficial and allow me to breathe a little, and swim CONSTANTLY which always makes me feel better.
If you pray, please, please keep me in your prayers. I always feel bad asking people to pray for me because I feel like there are so many other people out there who need it more than I do...but right now, please keep me in your prayers.
If you don't pray, please keep me in your thoughts and send me love and positive vibes.
I will reach this peak and I will stand up at the top of this cliff and see the sun. I have got to.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Sitting.Wishing.Waiting.Praying.
There has been an incredible lack of romance in my life for the past few years. I'm not talking cinematic romance that women go all gooey for like "The Notebook" or that kind of thing...I'm talking one on one, deep connection, incredible passion, faith based, forever hopeful, action driven romance. Not just empty words or flowers.
Granted, since I can remember, I've always been the girl that has wanted nothing more than to just be with another person, to love that person with my whole being, and get the same in return. Too many Disney movies growing up? Definitely, but I don't think that's what to blame.
I grew up in a house full of love. I have many fond memories, little tiny couple second snippets in my mind of my parents being affectionate towards each other, or stumbling across little messages they would write to each other in chapstick on the mirror in the morning. I grew up with a tight family unit, and an excellent soundtrack growing up filled with artists like John Denver, Fogelberg, Dylan, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac.
I am so thankful for my childhood, and I am glad it shaped me the way it did.
It's just...at 27 now...walking down a path that feels like I've been walking down it for 60years...I've encountered my fair share of the insensitive, the cheaters, the liars, the egocentric, and the vain. The man who wanted me to quit my career so I could be a proper wife for him, the man who cheated on me with another woman for 2 out of the 3yrs of our relationship, the man who committed suicide the day before my birthday, the man who only said he loved me and that I was beautiful when he was drunk. I've had my heartbroken countless times, to the point where I hit a level where I felt like I was a completely broken and shattered person, that at that point, should not be loved because I was so damaged.
I since then, have been doing a lot of growing. Mentally, even though at times it may not seem like it, I am leaps and bounds from where I have ever been. I am at the highest point so far in my life, mentally, than I ever have been.
I have learned to love who I am. Which was an incredibly difficult and trying journey, and it still is at times given the way the world is so obsessed with how a person looks these days rather than how they act or what they can give to others. I am proud of myself for finally starting to figure out that I am a great person, with a lot to give someone else, no matter what snarky comments or judging eyes say.
I have never felt so ready, toes right on the edge, grabbing the hand of my partner and of leaping off the cliff into a relationship that will be my last relationship. One that will last till I stop breathing. I am primed, ready, and so willing.
When is this drought going to end? It's really hard...
Just sitting, waiting wishing, praying.
You feel like you have so much to give another person, while also wanting to soak up all of them and their imperfections and beauty and learn and grow with them...
It's this weird torment kind of thing i go through on a daily basis.
All I want to do is love someone, grow with someone in faith and hope, be someone's best friend, and experience life in all it's trials and tribulations.I've never wanted something more badly.
And I know what you're thinking..
"Jamie, it'll come to you when you stop searching for it."
"Jamie, it'll happen when you least expect it."
"You're still young, you have plenty of time!"
I'm not searching. I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because obviously my searching was not yielding quality results.
And I may be young, but I already feel like I am YEARS behind. This isn't just a social pressure, this isn't the ol' biological clock ticking and reminding me my ovaries are going to shrivel up sooner rather than later...this is me feeling like I have already lost so much time already without this other person..all these years we could of been together, overcoming obstacles, creating a life, moving mountains. Instead it's just been me.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
One day. Hopefully. A man will want to love me. A man will want to put in the effort to be with me, and make it work. No hesitation. No apprehensions. No other influences. Just him, realizing that I am worth it. Just him knowing that he feels alive when he is with me. Just him, wondering what took me so long to get into his life.
Just him and I vs. the world.
Creating a family built on a solid foundation. Living a simple, beautiful, and humble life while positively affecting those around us. Raising some kids who know right from wrong, who know that Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, who will never own an xbox, but who will wear a single whistle around their necks so when they are playing for hours in the forest with their imaginations running wild, they can find each other, and home, where I will be with my whistle, and an endless supply of hugs and kisses.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
Granted, since I can remember, I've always been the girl that has wanted nothing more than to just be with another person, to love that person with my whole being, and get the same in return. Too many Disney movies growing up? Definitely, but I don't think that's what to blame.
I grew up in a house full of love. I have many fond memories, little tiny couple second snippets in my mind of my parents being affectionate towards each other, or stumbling across little messages they would write to each other in chapstick on the mirror in the morning. I grew up with a tight family unit, and an excellent soundtrack growing up filled with artists like John Denver, Fogelberg, Dylan, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac.
I am so thankful for my childhood, and I am glad it shaped me the way it did.
It's just...at 27 now...walking down a path that feels like I've been walking down it for 60years...I've encountered my fair share of the insensitive, the cheaters, the liars, the egocentric, and the vain. The man who wanted me to quit my career so I could be a proper wife for him, the man who cheated on me with another woman for 2 out of the 3yrs of our relationship, the man who committed suicide the day before my birthday, the man who only said he loved me and that I was beautiful when he was drunk. I've had my heartbroken countless times, to the point where I hit a level where I felt like I was a completely broken and shattered person, that at that point, should not be loved because I was so damaged.
I since then, have been doing a lot of growing. Mentally, even though at times it may not seem like it, I am leaps and bounds from where I have ever been. I am at the highest point so far in my life, mentally, than I ever have been.
I have learned to love who I am. Which was an incredibly difficult and trying journey, and it still is at times given the way the world is so obsessed with how a person looks these days rather than how they act or what they can give to others. I am proud of myself for finally starting to figure out that I am a great person, with a lot to give someone else, no matter what snarky comments or judging eyes say.
I have never felt so ready, toes right on the edge, grabbing the hand of my partner and of leaping off the cliff into a relationship that will be my last relationship. One that will last till I stop breathing. I am primed, ready, and so willing.
When is this drought going to end? It's really hard...
Just sitting, waiting wishing, praying.
You feel like you have so much to give another person, while also wanting to soak up all of them and their imperfections and beauty and learn and grow with them...
It's this weird torment kind of thing i go through on a daily basis.
All I want to do is love someone, grow with someone in faith and hope, be someone's best friend, and experience life in all it's trials and tribulations.I've never wanted something more badly.
And I know what you're thinking..
"Jamie, it'll come to you when you stop searching for it."
"Jamie, it'll happen when you least expect it."
"You're still young, you have plenty of time!"
I'm not searching. I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because obviously my searching was not yielding quality results.
And I may be young, but I already feel like I am YEARS behind. This isn't just a social pressure, this isn't the ol' biological clock ticking and reminding me my ovaries are going to shrivel up sooner rather than later...this is me feeling like I have already lost so much time already without this other person..all these years we could of been together, overcoming obstacles, creating a life, moving mountains. Instead it's just been me.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
One day. Hopefully. A man will want to love me. A man will want to put in the effort to be with me, and make it work. No hesitation. No apprehensions. No other influences. Just him, realizing that I am worth it. Just him knowing that he feels alive when he is with me. Just him, wondering what took me so long to get into his life.
Just him and I vs. the world.
Creating a family built on a solid foundation. Living a simple, beautiful, and humble life while positively affecting those around us. Raising some kids who know right from wrong, who know that Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, who will never own an xbox, but who will wear a single whistle around their necks so when they are playing for hours in the forest with their imaginations running wild, they can find each other, and home, where I will be with my whistle, and an endless supply of hugs and kisses.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
Friday, May 10, 2013
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE POSSIBILITIES PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
I want to touch on something I have noticed recently (and something I am completely guilty of at the same time)
This past week I have noticed every single morning on facebook, a scary amount of people full on complaining about how they are "off to their soul sucking, mundane, life ruining, everything wrong with the world (and other words) job."
We have all had jobs that really are horrible. It's kind of a right of passage I think to being human.
The thing is folks, ultimately, and I know it is a kind of harsh realization, YOU put yourself in that position everyday.
Don't think I'm a mega douche just yet...
I completely realize you have rent to pay, you have to feed yourself, you have to afford gas and bills, and hell maybe even spare a few bucks a month to actually do something fun. I have been in that position my ENTIRE life. I have never not had a job, where I still didn't completely struggle and barely float with my head above financial waters. Working in the marine biology field you are automatically setting yourself up for a life full of money problems and cheap clothing. But I chose that path and I knew what I was getting myself into. Even right now, I am technically unemployed, I am the poorest as far as money goes, more so than I have ever been in my whole life. I really have almost NOTHING to my name. I know how you feel, I'm right there with you.
The thing is...
You have picked your job. I realize there aren't hundreds of options out there, and there are tons of other eager people to compete against for new jobs, BUT...by not doing ANYTHING other than sitting there and writing sad little things about how much you hate your entire existence because of your job and so on...YOU are not getting ANYWHERE.
By CHOOSING to let your job defeat you on a DAILY basis, you are accepting failure! You are throwing out all possibilities of something amazing eventually coming along your path!! KNOCK IT OFF!
Wake up, go to your less than desirable job, get paid not nearly enough, and then go home and HUNT.
Focus all your energy on actively searching for a new job, put yourself out there, visit places you'd like to work and just introduce yourself. Write people LETTERS expressing interest. STAND OUT from the pack. And most importantly DO IT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. No one wants to hire someone who acts like the entire world is against them. By putting those feelers and that energy out into the world, something will eventually present itself in your life. It always gets a little worse before it gets better, but you have to be proactive about this or else, baby, you aren't going anywhere.
In fact, this past year, I completely GAVE UP with no plan ahead of me. I spent thousands of dollars to drive across the country to move to Florida for a job that ended up being the worst I've EVER had! And I threw in the towel, quit, and moved back home to figure my life out. That is ok to do too! It is ok to rely on other people for a short period of time, it is MORE than ok to take care of yourself and figure out what your next step is. It's ok to admit total defeat.
In the end, it's all about PERCEPTION. It's all about YOU deciding how something or someone is going to affect you. Every minute of every day you are given the opportunity to decide how you are going to react to everything going on around you. REACT WITH PURPOSE.
I LOVE YOU. I love you more than you can know! And I BELIEVE in you! If you are unhappy with something in your life, then make a change. Don't worry about what other people will think, don't worry about not living in the coolest place, don't worry about going out, don't worry about disappointing people. THIS LIFE IS YOURS, SO DAMNIT...TAKE CONTROL OF IT!
I LOVE YOU :)
Now go show the world what you are capable of doing!! BE THE CHANGE. BE LIGHT. BE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This past week I have noticed every single morning on facebook, a scary amount of people full on complaining about how they are "off to their soul sucking, mundane, life ruining, everything wrong with the world (and other words) job."
We have all had jobs that really are horrible. It's kind of a right of passage I think to being human.
The thing is folks, ultimately, and I know it is a kind of harsh realization, YOU put yourself in that position everyday.
Don't think I'm a mega douche just yet...
I completely realize you have rent to pay, you have to feed yourself, you have to afford gas and bills, and hell maybe even spare a few bucks a month to actually do something fun. I have been in that position my ENTIRE life. I have never not had a job, where I still didn't completely struggle and barely float with my head above financial waters. Working in the marine biology field you are automatically setting yourself up for a life full of money problems and cheap clothing. But I chose that path and I knew what I was getting myself into. Even right now, I am technically unemployed, I am the poorest as far as money goes, more so than I have ever been in my whole life. I really have almost NOTHING to my name. I know how you feel, I'm right there with you.
The thing is...
You have picked your job. I realize there aren't hundreds of options out there, and there are tons of other eager people to compete against for new jobs, BUT...by not doing ANYTHING other than sitting there and writing sad little things about how much you hate your entire existence because of your job and so on...YOU are not getting ANYWHERE.
By CHOOSING to let your job defeat you on a DAILY basis, you are accepting failure! You are throwing out all possibilities of something amazing eventually coming along your path!! KNOCK IT OFF!
Wake up, go to your less than desirable job, get paid not nearly enough, and then go home and HUNT.
Focus all your energy on actively searching for a new job, put yourself out there, visit places you'd like to work and just introduce yourself. Write people LETTERS expressing interest. STAND OUT from the pack. And most importantly DO IT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. No one wants to hire someone who acts like the entire world is against them. By putting those feelers and that energy out into the world, something will eventually present itself in your life. It always gets a little worse before it gets better, but you have to be proactive about this or else, baby, you aren't going anywhere.
In fact, this past year, I completely GAVE UP with no plan ahead of me. I spent thousands of dollars to drive across the country to move to Florida for a job that ended up being the worst I've EVER had! And I threw in the towel, quit, and moved back home to figure my life out. That is ok to do too! It is ok to rely on other people for a short period of time, it is MORE than ok to take care of yourself and figure out what your next step is. It's ok to admit total defeat.
In the end, it's all about PERCEPTION. It's all about YOU deciding how something or someone is going to affect you. Every minute of every day you are given the opportunity to decide how you are going to react to everything going on around you. REACT WITH PURPOSE.
I LOVE YOU. I love you more than you can know! And I BELIEVE in you! If you are unhappy with something in your life, then make a change. Don't worry about what other people will think, don't worry about not living in the coolest place, don't worry about going out, don't worry about disappointing people. THIS LIFE IS YOURS, SO DAMNIT...TAKE CONTROL OF IT!
I LOVE YOU :)
Now go show the world what you are capable of doing!! BE THE CHANGE. BE LIGHT. BE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Your Own Personal Jesus PART 2
So here I was at 23 years of age, depressed to severe levels, planning suicide, feeling so alone and lost in this world, and completely Godless (or so I thought.. after all, who would want to help me out when I cursed him on a daily basis and hated him?) I hit the lowest parts of my life, drowning myself in all kinds of substances, and eagerly planning how I would end my own life.
Somehow I survived another year of my life, which brought a whole new batch of problems that included "dealing with being a victim of suicide a year later". It seems silly and I completely realize to some people you'd think that at some point in your life you would just "get over it." like there is switch that eventually flips and suddenly you can resume a normal life again. That's not the case at all. Like I've said in a past posting, you never ever lose that feeling...it is with you forever, everywhere you go, in everything you do. You cannot just push it to the side or else it flares up and gets worse and explodes when you least expect it to. You need to deal with that pain on a daily basis, acknowledge it, and continue to adapt with it and learn to cope with it so you can come off as having a "normal life", and so you can continue to heal and eventually even start to thrive a little.
So here I am a year after Chris died, and I am given an opportunity to move to the Bahamas to work for the Disney Cruise Line as a stingray trainer/zoological manager. To this day, I still cannot figure out if that offer and life change was a blessing, or just pushed all the healing I really needed to do, back by 9 months. Either way, it happened and is a part of my life, and probably did save me in a way.
Living a life without God is easy. You feel like suddenly no rules apply to you, you have complete freedom, you don't have this imaginary being looking over you and judging you. It's very easy to get caught up in that and become slightly addicted to it. "I don't answer to nobody, I am the master of my own universe and destiny!" It sounds great, but the thing is, when you do hit another rough patch, you will never feel more alone. The 4 years where I pushed God completely out of my life were fun (very shallow and lonely, but fun). I can admit that. I had a lot of insane adventures, a lot of dirty crazy fun, and expressed myself a lot and really learned more about who I was and my limits. I crashed and burned a lot, and made many mistakes.
I promise this all has a happy ending...or..not really an ending as I am not dead, but it get's better :)
SO fast forward through 4 years of insanity, lots of glitter, lots of stupid decisions, some good ones, lots of people, some false friendships,a couple empty relationships, and a lot of self exploration.
Here I am, after living in the Bahamas, Portland, and Miami...I am back in Oregon...back in my hometown where I spent my entire childhood, back in the house I was raised in, and back living with my parents for the first time in almost 9 years.
I know what some of you are thinking- "What a damn loser."
It's what I would of thought a few months ago.
But you are wrong (and I say that in a loving way)
Since moving back to my parents house, back into the middle of nowhere deep country Oregon wilderness...I have finally...FINALLY...started to allow myself the time to heal.
Even more amazing, for the first time since February 2009, I have opened myself up to having God back in my life. Granted he was there all along, but I wasn't on speaking terms with him.
How did this happen you ask? What suddenly changed?
I met a man who restored my faith.
A man in my eyes, who is made up of pure sunshine.
A man who reminded me of all the good things in life, of the beauty, of the struggle, of the connections, and of the journey. Listening to him talk about his relationship with God in the most down to earth and realistic way, his thoughts rekindled a fire within me that had long gone out, and maybe wasn't even really well lit in the first place. His actions more so than his words filled me with hope, and watching him float around life, through his own struggles and triumphs and self realizations showed me that there was a God. I saw God in him, when I wasn't even really looking. I'm not saying I looked at HIM as God, but within him I saw for the first time in years, God. And through hours of simply talking, I was reminded of all the good that is in this world, and how it was all possible BECAUSE of God. This man was put in my life for a reason, and I feel so blessed. I hope this person realizes one day how they saved me, and how they renewed my faith in God, and the world.
So where I am now? Literally, I am still in the middle of nowhere Oregon, but I am head over heels in love with that fact. I have faith in the simple things, in the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. I have faith in kindness and selflessness. I have faith that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
Waking up to a dense Pacific Northwest forest every morning is so good for my soul. I am repairing relationships that I want to salvage, building new ones, and feeling inspired and awakened. This doesn't mean I still don't have extremely hard days where I just curl into a ball and cry and feel that lonely pain again, because I do. Those days aren't everyday for me anymore, and that is a miracle.
I still have a very long way to go, hell, I may never finish walking on this path...but that is ok. I can deal with that, because I have the people I need around me. I have the towering trees, the majestic oceans, I have my family, the best friends, a song in my heart at all times...and a renewed relationship with God.
I don't have any bells and whistles, I don't have any neon or bright blinking lights. What I have in my life is very simple these days, and very sacred to me. It isn't preachy, it isn't organized in any way. It is held very close to me.
At this point in my life, I can say I have experienced a miracle. That miracle is me surviving my own self, finding faith again, and that miracle are those few people in my life who love me and inspire me to continue living everyday.
I love you.
Somehow I survived another year of my life, which brought a whole new batch of problems that included "dealing with being a victim of suicide a year later". It seems silly and I completely realize to some people you'd think that at some point in your life you would just "get over it." like there is switch that eventually flips and suddenly you can resume a normal life again. That's not the case at all. Like I've said in a past posting, you never ever lose that feeling...it is with you forever, everywhere you go, in everything you do. You cannot just push it to the side or else it flares up and gets worse and explodes when you least expect it to. You need to deal with that pain on a daily basis, acknowledge it, and continue to adapt with it and learn to cope with it so you can come off as having a "normal life", and so you can continue to heal and eventually even start to thrive a little.
So here I am a year after Chris died, and I am given an opportunity to move to the Bahamas to work for the Disney Cruise Line as a stingray trainer/zoological manager. To this day, I still cannot figure out if that offer and life change was a blessing, or just pushed all the healing I really needed to do, back by 9 months. Either way, it happened and is a part of my life, and probably did save me in a way.
Living a life without God is easy. You feel like suddenly no rules apply to you, you have complete freedom, you don't have this imaginary being looking over you and judging you. It's very easy to get caught up in that and become slightly addicted to it. "I don't answer to nobody, I am the master of my own universe and destiny!" It sounds great, but the thing is, when you do hit another rough patch, you will never feel more alone. The 4 years where I pushed God completely out of my life were fun (very shallow and lonely, but fun). I can admit that. I had a lot of insane adventures, a lot of dirty crazy fun, and expressed myself a lot and really learned more about who I was and my limits. I crashed and burned a lot, and made many mistakes.
I promise this all has a happy ending...or..not really an ending as I am not dead, but it get's better :)
SO fast forward through 4 years of insanity, lots of glitter, lots of stupid decisions, some good ones, lots of people, some false friendships,a couple empty relationships, and a lot of self exploration.
Here I am, after living in the Bahamas, Portland, and Miami...I am back in Oregon...back in my hometown where I spent my entire childhood, back in the house I was raised in, and back living with my parents for the first time in almost 9 years.
I know what some of you are thinking- "What a damn loser."
It's what I would of thought a few months ago.
But you are wrong (and I say that in a loving way)
Since moving back to my parents house, back into the middle of nowhere deep country Oregon wilderness...I have finally...FINALLY...started to allow myself the time to heal.
Even more amazing, for the first time since February 2009, I have opened myself up to having God back in my life. Granted he was there all along, but I wasn't on speaking terms with him.
How did this happen you ask? What suddenly changed?
I met a man who restored my faith.
A man in my eyes, who is made up of pure sunshine.
A man who reminded me of all the good things in life, of the beauty, of the struggle, of the connections, and of the journey. Listening to him talk about his relationship with God in the most down to earth and realistic way, his thoughts rekindled a fire within me that had long gone out, and maybe wasn't even really well lit in the first place. His actions more so than his words filled me with hope, and watching him float around life, through his own struggles and triumphs and self realizations showed me that there was a God. I saw God in him, when I wasn't even really looking. I'm not saying I looked at HIM as God, but within him I saw for the first time in years, God. And through hours of simply talking, I was reminded of all the good that is in this world, and how it was all possible BECAUSE of God. This man was put in my life for a reason, and I feel so blessed. I hope this person realizes one day how they saved me, and how they renewed my faith in God, and the world.
So where I am now? Literally, I am still in the middle of nowhere Oregon, but I am head over heels in love with that fact. I have faith in the simple things, in the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. I have faith in kindness and selflessness. I have faith that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
Waking up to a dense Pacific Northwest forest every morning is so good for my soul. I am repairing relationships that I want to salvage, building new ones, and feeling inspired and awakened. This doesn't mean I still don't have extremely hard days where I just curl into a ball and cry and feel that lonely pain again, because I do. Those days aren't everyday for me anymore, and that is a miracle.
I still have a very long way to go, hell, I may never finish walking on this path...but that is ok. I can deal with that, because I have the people I need around me. I have the towering trees, the majestic oceans, I have my family, the best friends, a song in my heart at all times...and a renewed relationship with God.
I don't have any bells and whistles, I don't have any neon or bright blinking lights. What I have in my life is very simple these days, and very sacred to me. It isn't preachy, it isn't organized in any way. It is held very close to me.
At this point in my life, I can say I have experienced a miracle. That miracle is me surviving my own self, finding faith again, and that miracle are those few people in my life who love me and inspire me to continue living everyday.
I love you.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Your Own Personal Jesus PART 1
I woke up extra early this morning to take my mom into town so she could get her car from the mechanics before she headed into work. Yesterday I really wasn't excited about waking up at 5:45am, but within 10 minutes of waking up, I was ready to start the day.
As most of you know, I have worked in the marine biology field since I was 11 years old, which meant I've been waking up typically between 5:30-6am most of my life...exept the past 6 months. Being unemployed I have started to finally learn and appreciate the art of "sleeping in". Granted I consider sleeping in to be about 7 or 8am...I will never be one of those people that somehow pass out till noon.
Waking up so early this morning was super refreshing, and it really started my day out on a good path, a groggy squinty eyed path, but great nonetheless!
Driving back home this morning I took the long way home, which consists of primarily really long dusty gravel roads in the middle of nowhere. I had all the windows in my car open and the temperature outside was a perfect 62 degrees (At 7:30am that is crazy for Oregon this time of year!) I had good tunes playing, my hair was whipping around, my hand out the window. It was bliss. The smell of the air outside in the country was so sweet and ripe smelling. I could of drove that drive for hours. I love when the unexpected happens like that...where everything lines up perfectly and you cannot help but just revel in the beauty that is around you and how amazing your life really is.
Which brings me ultimately to the topic of this post...my relationship with God and with religion.
For those that know me, you know I have a very personal relationship with God...to the point where I barely talk about it. To those that SUPER know me, you know that I do occasionally talk about God and religion, and my desire to have more of a relationship with God in my life.
I guess I should fill you in on my past first...this will all come together in the end I swear.
I was raised Catholic. Baptised when I was an infant, received communion in a puffy white dress when I was little, was confirmed when I was a teenager, went to Sunday school weekly, went to mass a minimum of one time a week, and practiced all the traditions of being a Catholic including things like confession and lent.
When I was younger I felt like the church was my second home (that smelled like incense and old people), but I never felt like I truly belonged in it. Even at a young age I felt really awkward being there, and I really wanted to fit in, but something just wasn't lining up. I knew that being with my family at church meant the world to my parents though, and plus I was like...9, so I couldn't drive or really choose to not participate. It wasn't that I didnt have a relationship with God or that I thought it was a joke at a young age or something..I just felt weird about it. I wanted to be a part of it all SO bad though.
Fast forward to when I was in high school and I started going to this non denominational youth group in my small town called The Hub. This was really my first introduction to a youth group type setting where we didn't have to have certain facts memorized, and where you weren't the best kid in the group because you could recite Biblical facts or certain prayers from memory (Who had time for that when you could memorize latin names of super cool aquatic animals?!..not young Jamie.)
I was introduced to this youth group through a high school friend of mine, and I instantly felt accepted at this place of worship. It wasn't really a service or a mass or anything of the sort, just a weekly gathering of young people to sing praise songs and to confide in each other if needed. I loved it, and there were so many instances where we would all be singing and I would just crumple back into my seat and cry. I think those instances were the first moments where I actually FELT God as a presence in my life, not God as just words or rules.
At that point in my life, the early high school years, I was "on fire" for Jesus. I still have countless Christian rock cd's stuffed away in my closet and I think even a few really old school Relient K t-shirts somewhere. I had the fire in my heart and it wasn't going anywhere.
While going to the Hub, I'm not 100% sure my parents were excited about the idea of it. Being raised Catholic pretty much means you ARE Catholic...you don't to just pick and chose parts of denominations that work for you...or at least I was under that impression. If you are Catholic, you are just Catholic. No loud singing, no drums, and not many young people that I wanted to really connect with. And for a younger person, the Catholic religion as I grew up, just became more and more rules to me.
Fast forward to me graduation high school in 2004 (holy crap almost 10 years ago?? shut up.)
I was just turning 18 and really starting to figure out my life as an individual. It was really hard though because of wanting to make my parents happy, yet staying true to myself. This is actually a theme that I struggle with on a daily basis to this day.
At this point I was completely immersed in scuba diving and marine biology and volunteering every spare hour I had at the Oregon Coast Aquarium..this went on for many years. All throughout college, my main focus and priority was to work with aquatic animals. I moved out of my parents house what felt like right away and started to figure out life independently. I had my first legit boyfriend when I was 20, I had a circle of classmates I hung out with, and none of them were religious at all. I hadn't given up on God at all, I still had a personal relationship with him, but I no longer went to mass every Sunday. In fact, this was the point in my life where I really started to look at my religion, and decided ultimately that I no longer wanted to be a part of the Catholic religion. I know to this day, my parents are still very affected by this decision and with every last breath of theirs want me to go back to the Catholic church. In my world, this is honestly probably never going to happen. I love the tradition of the Catholic church, I love the community of it, and the people are very very kind...but....
There are many things I don't agree with when it comes to the Catholic faith. And THAT IS OK! I used to guilt myself constantly for feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts, but no longer. I am still a fantastic person with a relationship with God that I keep very close to myself.
For those wondering, the primary issues I had with the Catholic religion (and these are my opinions and feelings. these things do not make me any less or more of a person) was first and foremost the sacrament of confession. WHY do I have to go to another mortal human being, to be able to talk to God and confess my wrongs and find guidance? This man is no different than I am besides the fact that through traditional elements, he is now considered a priest. Why do I have to channel through him in order to talk to God? God is in my heart, God is all around, and in my mind he is always there when you need to pray or call on him for help in your time of need. I truly believe I shouldn't have to talk to a man that I really don't know, tell him all my problems, just so he can relay the message to God in my behalf. Rather, I can sit in the middle of a forest, or lay in my bed, and pray and talk to God for hours on end. No rules, no middle men.
There are many other reasons that I don't particularly want to get into because I DO infact want to respect my parents and my other family members when it comes to their faith in the Catholic church.
Ok where was I...ok now fast forward to when I was 23, out of college, broken up with my first boyfriend because he was cheating on me for years..awesome. Whatever. I had lived in Orlando Florida for 9 months and worked for Walt Disney World at their aquarium, and now am living up in NYC working at the New York Aquarium. At this point, I haven't been to mass in years besides the main holidays where I go just to be a part of my family and support them. My faith in God is still present, but is no where near as strong as it once was. Life has gotten in the way at this point, and the hustle and bustle of living in a city like New York City pretty much consumed me. February 19th 2009 passed when my boyfriend committed suicide, and that is officially when my relationship with God completely ended.
In my mind, oh man, you cannot imagine the anger and hate I had towards God. I would curse him...I would yell at my ceiling in my apartment to him, screaming at him "why did you do this?". In my mind at that point, if God was who everyone makes him out to be, he wouldn't of allowed Chris to commit suicide. God took the most important thing away from me, so suddenly and drastically. I despised him for it. I completely pushed God out of my life, I didn't want his help or his guidance. I wanted him gone. And so for years, I lived a completely Godless existence And I really thought I had it all figured out. I was the master of my own universe, not some imaginary man on some imaginary cloud with an imaginary beard.
----continue to Part 2
As most of you know, I have worked in the marine biology field since I was 11 years old, which meant I've been waking up typically between 5:30-6am most of my life...exept the past 6 months. Being unemployed I have started to finally learn and appreciate the art of "sleeping in". Granted I consider sleeping in to be about 7 or 8am...I will never be one of those people that somehow pass out till noon.
Waking up so early this morning was super refreshing, and it really started my day out on a good path, a groggy squinty eyed path, but great nonetheless!
Driving back home this morning I took the long way home, which consists of primarily really long dusty gravel roads in the middle of nowhere. I had all the windows in my car open and the temperature outside was a perfect 62 degrees (At 7:30am that is crazy for Oregon this time of year!) I had good tunes playing, my hair was whipping around, my hand out the window. It was bliss. The smell of the air outside in the country was so sweet and ripe smelling. I could of drove that drive for hours. I love when the unexpected happens like that...where everything lines up perfectly and you cannot help but just revel in the beauty that is around you and how amazing your life really is.
Which brings me ultimately to the topic of this post...my relationship with God and with religion.
For those that know me, you know I have a very personal relationship with God...to the point where I barely talk about it. To those that SUPER know me, you know that I do occasionally talk about God and religion, and my desire to have more of a relationship with God in my life.
I guess I should fill you in on my past first...this will all come together in the end I swear.
I was raised Catholic. Baptised when I was an infant, received communion in a puffy white dress when I was little, was confirmed when I was a teenager, went to Sunday school weekly, went to mass a minimum of one time a week, and practiced all the traditions of being a Catholic including things like confession and lent.
When I was younger I felt like the church was my second home (that smelled like incense and old people), but I never felt like I truly belonged in it. Even at a young age I felt really awkward being there, and I really wanted to fit in, but something just wasn't lining up. I knew that being with my family at church meant the world to my parents though, and plus I was like...9, so I couldn't drive or really choose to not participate. It wasn't that I didnt have a relationship with God or that I thought it was a joke at a young age or something..I just felt weird about it. I wanted to be a part of it all SO bad though.
Fast forward to when I was in high school and I started going to this non denominational youth group in my small town called The Hub. This was really my first introduction to a youth group type setting where we didn't have to have certain facts memorized, and where you weren't the best kid in the group because you could recite Biblical facts or certain prayers from memory (Who had time for that when you could memorize latin names of super cool aquatic animals?!..not young Jamie.)
I was introduced to this youth group through a high school friend of mine, and I instantly felt accepted at this place of worship. It wasn't really a service or a mass or anything of the sort, just a weekly gathering of young people to sing praise songs and to confide in each other if needed. I loved it, and there were so many instances where we would all be singing and I would just crumple back into my seat and cry. I think those instances were the first moments where I actually FELT God as a presence in my life, not God as just words or rules.
At that point in my life, the early high school years, I was "on fire" for Jesus. I still have countless Christian rock cd's stuffed away in my closet and I think even a few really old school Relient K t-shirts somewhere. I had the fire in my heart and it wasn't going anywhere.
While going to the Hub, I'm not 100% sure my parents were excited about the idea of it. Being raised Catholic pretty much means you ARE Catholic...you don't to just pick and chose parts of denominations that work for you...or at least I was under that impression. If you are Catholic, you are just Catholic. No loud singing, no drums, and not many young people that I wanted to really connect with. And for a younger person, the Catholic religion as I grew up, just became more and more rules to me.
Fast forward to me graduation high school in 2004 (holy crap almost 10 years ago?? shut up.)
I was just turning 18 and really starting to figure out my life as an individual. It was really hard though because of wanting to make my parents happy, yet staying true to myself. This is actually a theme that I struggle with on a daily basis to this day.
At this point I was completely immersed in scuba diving and marine biology and volunteering every spare hour I had at the Oregon Coast Aquarium..this went on for many years. All throughout college, my main focus and priority was to work with aquatic animals. I moved out of my parents house what felt like right away and started to figure out life independently. I had my first legit boyfriend when I was 20, I had a circle of classmates I hung out with, and none of them were religious at all. I hadn't given up on God at all, I still had a personal relationship with him, but I no longer went to mass every Sunday. In fact, this was the point in my life where I really started to look at my religion, and decided ultimately that I no longer wanted to be a part of the Catholic religion. I know to this day, my parents are still very affected by this decision and with every last breath of theirs want me to go back to the Catholic church. In my world, this is honestly probably never going to happen. I love the tradition of the Catholic church, I love the community of it, and the people are very very kind...but....
There are many things I don't agree with when it comes to the Catholic faith. And THAT IS OK! I used to guilt myself constantly for feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts, but no longer. I am still a fantastic person with a relationship with God that I keep very close to myself.
For those wondering, the primary issues I had with the Catholic religion (and these are my opinions and feelings. these things do not make me any less or more of a person) was first and foremost the sacrament of confession. WHY do I have to go to another mortal human being, to be able to talk to God and confess my wrongs and find guidance? This man is no different than I am besides the fact that through traditional elements, he is now considered a priest. Why do I have to channel through him in order to talk to God? God is in my heart, God is all around, and in my mind he is always there when you need to pray or call on him for help in your time of need. I truly believe I shouldn't have to talk to a man that I really don't know, tell him all my problems, just so he can relay the message to God in my behalf. Rather, I can sit in the middle of a forest, or lay in my bed, and pray and talk to God for hours on end. No rules, no middle men.
There are many other reasons that I don't particularly want to get into because I DO infact want to respect my parents and my other family members when it comes to their faith in the Catholic church.
Ok where was I...ok now fast forward to when I was 23, out of college, broken up with my first boyfriend because he was cheating on me for years..awesome. Whatever. I had lived in Orlando Florida for 9 months and worked for Walt Disney World at their aquarium, and now am living up in NYC working at the New York Aquarium. At this point, I haven't been to mass in years besides the main holidays where I go just to be a part of my family and support them. My faith in God is still present, but is no where near as strong as it once was. Life has gotten in the way at this point, and the hustle and bustle of living in a city like New York City pretty much consumed me. February 19th 2009 passed when my boyfriend committed suicide, and that is officially when my relationship with God completely ended.
In my mind, oh man, you cannot imagine the anger and hate I had towards God. I would curse him...I would yell at my ceiling in my apartment to him, screaming at him "why did you do this?". In my mind at that point, if God was who everyone makes him out to be, he wouldn't of allowed Chris to commit suicide. God took the most important thing away from me, so suddenly and drastically. I despised him for it. I completely pushed God out of my life, I didn't want his help or his guidance. I wanted him gone. And so for years, I lived a completely Godless existence And I really thought I had it all figured out. I was the master of my own universe, not some imaginary man on some imaginary cloud with an imaginary beard.
----continue to Part 2
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Where It All Ended, and Ultimately Began...
I feel like a lot of people know of my story...but don't know the details and the facts of what happened to me in my life back in 2009.
I have previously deleted all my entries from this old dusty blog that I am trying to rediscover as a way of free at home self medicating therapy for myself. My past entries were so juvenile and not realistic at all. It's time for me to get things off my chest whenever I want to, and I feel like this will be an excellent medium to do so. Read if you want, if you are tired of me, I won't hold it against you. I'm primarly doing this for me, and hopefully for anyone else who just needs someone to connect to.
I love you. Whoever you are reading this.
My life ended on February 19th 2009 in a small studio apartment in New York City, and yet I am still here today to write this, in 2013.
I was getting ready for work, it was about 5:30am or so in the morning, and my cell phone started ringing.
The days leading up to February 19th were a bit stressful and worrisome. I was dating a magnificent man named Chris, and he was my world, as I was his. We were going to get married. We had already planned it all. We were going to move back to Oregon. The field biologist and the marine biologist. Live simply and just fill our home with love.
Heavenly.
We had a long distance relationship, even though we lived in the same state, he lived in upstate and I was in Brooklyn. The East Coast tends to melt together like that. Seemingly short distances on a map end up taking hours and hours to navigate through.
Chris and I had a pact- to talk to each other every single day. To some people that may seem excessive and ridiculous. For our relationship it was not only perfect, but needed. A daily "check up" on each other, to let the other one know that even through the distance, we were still there for one another. It's beautiful how a phone can make hundreds of miles feel like a few inches. Communication is key to any kind of relationship, and our communication was open, selfless, non judgemental, and wonderful.
February 19th 2009 at 5:30am, I was worried upon waking up, because the night before I hadn't been able to get a hold of Chris on the phone or through email. The first day we had "missed" in 4+ months. I knew he was really busy with school though and I chalked it up to either studying or going out with friends and just falling asleep. Or so I hoped and prayed.
Without going into too much detail since afterall, it is his personal life, and this isn't his blog, but mine...Chris had a really rough past, and like all of us, sometimes the daily grind just wears on you and a past that is never resolved properly, creeps up on you often and drags you down a bit. Chris was going to therapy (after I begged him to for months) and a few days prior when we were talking on the phone, he had an especially difficult therapy session that caused a major upwelling of emotions and memories that were previously suppressed. He was crying on the phone, which, for a man that is 6'5" with a very masculine build, with a laugh that could cure sickness, this was troublesome. We talked for hours, and eventually he calmed down and we said our "talk to you tomorrow's" and "i love you's", and life continued on.
February 19th 2009 at 5:30am, my phone rang. I grabbed it quickly trying to quiet the ring since my friend who shared the tiny studio apartment with me was sleeping. I checked the caller ID and it read "My Pumpkin" on the screen. An overwhelming sense of calm swept over me, THERE he was, phew, he's ok, maybe he's just stumbling back home after a long night.
I answered the phone and rather than hearing the love of my life's big warm voice, I was met with a woman's voice.
My stomach sank.
Who is this, and why is she using Chris's phone to call me?
I said hello again.
And what this woman said to me, in three small words, ended my life as I will ever know it.
"Chris is dead."
Blackness, no breath, screaming, falling, hitting the hard wooden floor, melting, dizzy, still can't breathe, why can't I breathe, why can't I see anything?
"We found him this morning, he committed suicide in his apartment."
Darker than black, numb, dizzy, nauseous, screaming, no blood in my body, shaking, still no breath.
4 years have passed, and I still can't think about those few moments after I found out. Typing it alone is extremely difficult, and my makeup is now all over my face. You never forget the feeling of having the life completely pulled out of your body in a split second. You carry it with you for the rest of your life. It never gets easier, you just learn to adapt and cope.
I'm going to take a break from writing right now, talking about this and going through the motions of this moment all over again are extremely painful for me. I'll pick back up on this post at another time. I'm sorry.
One last thing though...days later when I started to come out of my shock (I really don't remember anything but little snap shots in my mind, for about 3 days after February 19th) I found a text message on my phone that I realized I had never opened, from Chris...the night he committed suicide. After eventually lining up the timeline of his suicide with friends and family, it was put together that this was the last thing he had ever said to anyone.
"My beautiful Jamie, thank you for loving me more than I ever thought possible. I will always be yours. I will love you today, tomorrow, and every day after that."
I have previously deleted all my entries from this old dusty blog that I am trying to rediscover as a way of free at home self medicating therapy for myself. My past entries were so juvenile and not realistic at all. It's time for me to get things off my chest whenever I want to, and I feel like this will be an excellent medium to do so. Read if you want, if you are tired of me, I won't hold it against you. I'm primarly doing this for me, and hopefully for anyone else who just needs someone to connect to.
I love you. Whoever you are reading this.
My life ended on February 19th 2009 in a small studio apartment in New York City, and yet I am still here today to write this, in 2013.
I was getting ready for work, it was about 5:30am or so in the morning, and my cell phone started ringing.
The days leading up to February 19th were a bit stressful and worrisome. I was dating a magnificent man named Chris, and he was my world, as I was his. We were going to get married. We had already planned it all. We were going to move back to Oregon. The field biologist and the marine biologist. Live simply and just fill our home with love.
Heavenly.
We had a long distance relationship, even though we lived in the same state, he lived in upstate and I was in Brooklyn. The East Coast tends to melt together like that. Seemingly short distances on a map end up taking hours and hours to navigate through.
Chris and I had a pact- to talk to each other every single day. To some people that may seem excessive and ridiculous. For our relationship it was not only perfect, but needed. A daily "check up" on each other, to let the other one know that even through the distance, we were still there for one another. It's beautiful how a phone can make hundreds of miles feel like a few inches. Communication is key to any kind of relationship, and our communication was open, selfless, non judgemental, and wonderful.
February 19th 2009 at 5:30am, I was worried upon waking up, because the night before I hadn't been able to get a hold of Chris on the phone or through email. The first day we had "missed" in 4+ months. I knew he was really busy with school though and I chalked it up to either studying or going out with friends and just falling asleep. Or so I hoped and prayed.
Without going into too much detail since afterall, it is his personal life, and this isn't his blog, but mine...Chris had a really rough past, and like all of us, sometimes the daily grind just wears on you and a past that is never resolved properly, creeps up on you often and drags you down a bit. Chris was going to therapy (after I begged him to for months) and a few days prior when we were talking on the phone, he had an especially difficult therapy session that caused a major upwelling of emotions and memories that were previously suppressed. He was crying on the phone, which, for a man that is 6'5" with a very masculine build, with a laugh that could cure sickness, this was troublesome. We talked for hours, and eventually he calmed down and we said our "talk to you tomorrow's" and "i love you's", and life continued on.
February 19th 2009 at 5:30am, my phone rang. I grabbed it quickly trying to quiet the ring since my friend who shared the tiny studio apartment with me was sleeping. I checked the caller ID and it read "My Pumpkin" on the screen. An overwhelming sense of calm swept over me, THERE he was, phew, he's ok, maybe he's just stumbling back home after a long night.
I answered the phone and rather than hearing the love of my life's big warm voice, I was met with a woman's voice.
My stomach sank.
Who is this, and why is she using Chris's phone to call me?
I said hello again.
And what this woman said to me, in three small words, ended my life as I will ever know it.
"Chris is dead."
Blackness, no breath, screaming, falling, hitting the hard wooden floor, melting, dizzy, still can't breathe, why can't I breathe, why can't I see anything?
"We found him this morning, he committed suicide in his apartment."
Darker than black, numb, dizzy, nauseous, screaming, no blood in my body, shaking, still no breath.
4 years have passed, and I still can't think about those few moments after I found out. Typing it alone is extremely difficult, and my makeup is now all over my face. You never forget the feeling of having the life completely pulled out of your body in a split second. You carry it with you for the rest of your life. It never gets easier, you just learn to adapt and cope.
I'm going to take a break from writing right now, talking about this and going through the motions of this moment all over again are extremely painful for me. I'll pick back up on this post at another time. I'm sorry.
One last thing though...days later when I started to come out of my shock (I really don't remember anything but little snap shots in my mind, for about 3 days after February 19th) I found a text message on my phone that I realized I had never opened, from Chris...the night he committed suicide. After eventually lining up the timeline of his suicide with friends and family, it was put together that this was the last thing he had ever said to anyone.
"My beautiful Jamie, thank you for loving me more than I ever thought possible. I will always be yours. I will love you today, tomorrow, and every day after that."
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