This past week has been ridiculous.
I feel like I've been rock climbing the past 7months, so close to getting to the peak, and this week I just couldnt get my footing correctly and my fingers were bleeding, and I didn't get any farther up the cliff face. If anything I slid back some.
I'm not sure what my issue is. I feel like I'm full of fear. I feel like I am allowing my past to dictate my todays and tomorrows, and it is pissing me off.
I need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap that I have experienced. I am not that person anymore. Those experiences have shaped me, but they do not define me. I need to let go. I need to stop thinking that everyone I get close to is going to die. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to go to a dark place like that. I need to find a sense of calm every single day.
The past week I am constantly trying to find that calmness, that peace, and I'm not finding it. I'll have it for about 20min at a time and then slip again.
My greatest fear right now is that my constant slipping is negatively affecting those around me, which is the last thing I want to do. This fear on top of my anxiety is becoming crippling and I am not sure what to do at this point.
I have been turning a lot to God. I feel like he is the only one who won't be frustrated by my tears or won't judge me by how I am feeling. I'm praying and praying and I still feel no sense of peace. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's trying to show me or teach me.
I've been writing lists. One column titled "How I Feel" and another titled "How I Want To Feel". And those lists always help, but at the same time, they make me want to feel the "want to feels" even more and the reality that I am not feeling those hits me.
Today my goal is to allow myself to let go of what I have been through in the past. To allow myself for one last time to feel that pain, and then move on.
I also need to try and actually eat today. I've lost 10lbs the past 5 days because I haven't really been able to eat. I mean...sweet 10lbs gone! haha but...I need to go about this the healthy way, not the starving myself of nutrients way.
I need to do this for me, my family, and one individual that I care about and love beyond words. I need to allow myself to move on from my past so I can truly be a bright light to those around me, and so I can continue to work on my relationships, including that with God.
I am going out into the country to a lake with my two best friends this weekend, and it can't happen soon enough. I think those two days will really be beneficial and allow me to breathe a little, and swim CONSTANTLY which always makes me feel better.
If you pray, please, please keep me in your prayers. I always feel bad asking people to pray for me because I feel like there are so many other people out there who need it more than I do...but right now, please keep me in your prayers.
If you don't pray, please keep me in your thoughts and send me love and positive vibes.
I will reach this peak and I will stand up at the top of this cliff and see the sun. I have got to.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Sitting.Wishing.Waiting.Praying.
There has been an incredible lack of romance in my life for the past few years. I'm not talking cinematic romance that women go all gooey for like "The Notebook" or that kind of thing...I'm talking one on one, deep connection, incredible passion, faith based, forever hopeful, action driven romance. Not just empty words or flowers.
Granted, since I can remember, I've always been the girl that has wanted nothing more than to just be with another person, to love that person with my whole being, and get the same in return. Too many Disney movies growing up? Definitely, but I don't think that's what to blame.
I grew up in a house full of love. I have many fond memories, little tiny couple second snippets in my mind of my parents being affectionate towards each other, or stumbling across little messages they would write to each other in chapstick on the mirror in the morning. I grew up with a tight family unit, and an excellent soundtrack growing up filled with artists like John Denver, Fogelberg, Dylan, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac.
I am so thankful for my childhood, and I am glad it shaped me the way it did.
It's just...at 27 now...walking down a path that feels like I've been walking down it for 60years...I've encountered my fair share of the insensitive, the cheaters, the liars, the egocentric, and the vain. The man who wanted me to quit my career so I could be a proper wife for him, the man who cheated on me with another woman for 2 out of the 3yrs of our relationship, the man who committed suicide the day before my birthday, the man who only said he loved me and that I was beautiful when he was drunk. I've had my heartbroken countless times, to the point where I hit a level where I felt like I was a completely broken and shattered person, that at that point, should not be loved because I was so damaged.
I since then, have been doing a lot of growing. Mentally, even though at times it may not seem like it, I am leaps and bounds from where I have ever been. I am at the highest point so far in my life, mentally, than I ever have been.
I have learned to love who I am. Which was an incredibly difficult and trying journey, and it still is at times given the way the world is so obsessed with how a person looks these days rather than how they act or what they can give to others. I am proud of myself for finally starting to figure out that I am a great person, with a lot to give someone else, no matter what snarky comments or judging eyes say.
I have never felt so ready, toes right on the edge, grabbing the hand of my partner and of leaping off the cliff into a relationship that will be my last relationship. One that will last till I stop breathing. I am primed, ready, and so willing.
When is this drought going to end? It's really hard...
Just sitting, waiting wishing, praying.
You feel like you have so much to give another person, while also wanting to soak up all of them and their imperfections and beauty and learn and grow with them...
It's this weird torment kind of thing i go through on a daily basis.
All I want to do is love someone, grow with someone in faith and hope, be someone's best friend, and experience life in all it's trials and tribulations.I've never wanted something more badly.
And I know what you're thinking..
"Jamie, it'll come to you when you stop searching for it."
"Jamie, it'll happen when you least expect it."
"You're still young, you have plenty of time!"
I'm not searching. I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because obviously my searching was not yielding quality results.
And I may be young, but I already feel like I am YEARS behind. This isn't just a social pressure, this isn't the ol' biological clock ticking and reminding me my ovaries are going to shrivel up sooner rather than later...this is me feeling like I have already lost so much time already without this other person..all these years we could of been together, overcoming obstacles, creating a life, moving mountains. Instead it's just been me.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
One day. Hopefully. A man will want to love me. A man will want to put in the effort to be with me, and make it work. No hesitation. No apprehensions. No other influences. Just him, realizing that I am worth it. Just him knowing that he feels alive when he is with me. Just him, wondering what took me so long to get into his life.
Just him and I vs. the world.
Creating a family built on a solid foundation. Living a simple, beautiful, and humble life while positively affecting those around us. Raising some kids who know right from wrong, who know that Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, who will never own an xbox, but who will wear a single whistle around their necks so when they are playing for hours in the forest with their imaginations running wild, they can find each other, and home, where I will be with my whistle, and an endless supply of hugs and kisses.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
Granted, since I can remember, I've always been the girl that has wanted nothing more than to just be with another person, to love that person with my whole being, and get the same in return. Too many Disney movies growing up? Definitely, but I don't think that's what to blame.
I grew up in a house full of love. I have many fond memories, little tiny couple second snippets in my mind of my parents being affectionate towards each other, or stumbling across little messages they would write to each other in chapstick on the mirror in the morning. I grew up with a tight family unit, and an excellent soundtrack growing up filled with artists like John Denver, Fogelberg, Dylan, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac.
I am so thankful for my childhood, and I am glad it shaped me the way it did.
It's just...at 27 now...walking down a path that feels like I've been walking down it for 60years...I've encountered my fair share of the insensitive, the cheaters, the liars, the egocentric, and the vain. The man who wanted me to quit my career so I could be a proper wife for him, the man who cheated on me with another woman for 2 out of the 3yrs of our relationship, the man who committed suicide the day before my birthday, the man who only said he loved me and that I was beautiful when he was drunk. I've had my heartbroken countless times, to the point where I hit a level where I felt like I was a completely broken and shattered person, that at that point, should not be loved because I was so damaged.
I since then, have been doing a lot of growing. Mentally, even though at times it may not seem like it, I am leaps and bounds from where I have ever been. I am at the highest point so far in my life, mentally, than I ever have been.
I have learned to love who I am. Which was an incredibly difficult and trying journey, and it still is at times given the way the world is so obsessed with how a person looks these days rather than how they act or what they can give to others. I am proud of myself for finally starting to figure out that I am a great person, with a lot to give someone else, no matter what snarky comments or judging eyes say.
I have never felt so ready, toes right on the edge, grabbing the hand of my partner and of leaping off the cliff into a relationship that will be my last relationship. One that will last till I stop breathing. I am primed, ready, and so willing.
When is this drought going to end? It's really hard...
Just sitting, waiting wishing, praying.
You feel like you have so much to give another person, while also wanting to soak up all of them and their imperfections and beauty and learn and grow with them...
It's this weird torment kind of thing i go through on a daily basis.
All I want to do is love someone, grow with someone in faith and hope, be someone's best friend, and experience life in all it's trials and tribulations.I've never wanted something more badly.
And I know what you're thinking..
"Jamie, it'll come to you when you stop searching for it."
"Jamie, it'll happen when you least expect it."
"You're still young, you have plenty of time!"
I'm not searching. I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because obviously my searching was not yielding quality results.
And I may be young, but I already feel like I am YEARS behind. This isn't just a social pressure, this isn't the ol' biological clock ticking and reminding me my ovaries are going to shrivel up sooner rather than later...this is me feeling like I have already lost so much time already without this other person..all these years we could of been together, overcoming obstacles, creating a life, moving mountains. Instead it's just been me.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
One day. Hopefully. A man will want to love me. A man will want to put in the effort to be with me, and make it work. No hesitation. No apprehensions. No other influences. Just him, realizing that I am worth it. Just him knowing that he feels alive when he is with me. Just him, wondering what took me so long to get into his life.
Just him and I vs. the world.
Creating a family built on a solid foundation. Living a simple, beautiful, and humble life while positively affecting those around us. Raising some kids who know right from wrong, who know that Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, who will never own an xbox, but who will wear a single whistle around their necks so when they are playing for hours in the forest with their imaginations running wild, they can find each other, and home, where I will be with my whistle, and an endless supply of hugs and kisses.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
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