So.
I've been contemplating writing this entry for a little while now. Somedays I feel really intent on writing it, other days I feel fearful of writing it.
Today I'm going to write it. Opening myself up to being completely vulnerable has been an ongoing lesson it seems this past month or so. Being honest with myself and other people. And having faith that hopefully they will still want to be in my life.
I've written a few blogs in the past about finding God, and my personal relationship that I am trying to rebuild. I am not one to usually openly profess a relationship with God, with my hands in the air, jumping for joy, singing at the top of my lungs. I think that's beautiful, but it's just not the way I roll yet. All of this is deeply personal, and to be brutally honest, opening up about religion, about my faith, is almost embarrassing to me.
Let me explain.
I shunned God from my life when my past boyfriend committed suicide. I hated God, and I vowed to never allow him into my life again, because if he really WAS this incredible creator, this higher power, than why the hell would he allow something like this to happen? Why would he take from me someone I loved, and in the process, try and kill me as well due to a severe suicidal depression? I figured I had a better shot at this life fighting for myself, believing in nothing (because didn't that just bring more disappointment and pain in the long run?) and going it alone.
Obviously this way of thinking isn't healthy, and during the nearly 5 years of "going it alone" I hit rock bottom multiple times, went through the daily motions of life without feeling anything, lost friendships, became incredibly shallow, and became a person that I really don't know, or ever want to know again. I became a character of myself. If I wasn't being real, then I wouldn't really get hurt right? If I surrounded myself with people who thought I was funky, uninhibited, and crazy, then I wouldn't feel the major holes in my life that I created where people who truly did love me for me used to be, and where God used to be.
Then one day, I met my best friend in the Miami airport during her layover. I was inspired to come back home, back to a safe zone, and finally start to leave this destructive, unhappy life behind me. And by some miracle, I did come back home.
I started to heal. I still AM healing. I started to genuinely feel things again, which was incredibly difficult and scary. I started to wipe off my character, and become the true Jamie again. One morning, God placed a man in a green flannel shirt on my porch, and I made him breakfast, and we fell in love, and over green juice and mango salsa, he opened my eyes which were closed tight for so many years. I felt true hope again.This was just the start of it all.
Fast forward nearly 8 months to today, and here sits a changed girl. I am still healing, I probably always will be in some kind of healing process, but I feel so...so...blessed. It's not just the lack of makeup, my shabby clothing, and my constantly meager bank account that show that I have changed. Those are the physical aspects. Mentally, I am becoming a person I have always wanted to be, a glimmer of a person I once was when life wasn't so heavy, and it's getting better and better with every passing day.
Where I am going with all this, is besides the support of my amazing family, besides meeting the love of my life, besides taking months to really allow myself to be alone with my mind, to deal with so many anxieties and fears of mine, and besides being back in Oregon where I feel like I can breathe again...I have let God back into my life. Granted he was there all along, but I was blind to him, or maybe I wasn't even blind, I was ignoring him and not allowing him to have a place in my life.
The reason admitting this to you frightens and embarrasses me, is because I know it will turn people away from me. People that I DO care about, some immensely. I used to be that person...the one who would poke fun of people because they believed in God, the one who would make rude jokes, mock people behind their backs, and laugh at them because of how stupid they seemed...to be believing in something that doesn't exist.
To those people I would mock- please forgive me. I am not that person any longer, and I really mean it when I say that I said those things, and mocked you behind your back, because I felt so alone and so scared, and just wanted to fit in somewhere. Who am I to say what someone should and shouldn't believe in? Who am I to say how someone spends their Sunday? If you believe in something, I think you are amazing. It doesn't have to be what I believe in, it doesn't even have to make a lick of sense, I commend you for staying true to you and your beliefs. It's a truly beautiful thing that takes courage. And if believing in whatever you believe in makes you happy, and gives you peace throughout your day, then I couldn't be happier for you.
I believe in God, and I have faith in him.
I am not part of any specific religion, I merely am a 27 year old girl, who is figuring out life one tiny step at a time. I am building a relationship with God again, and I want you to be aware of that, and hopefully have you be happy about that. I am happier and feel more content and full of hope, than I ever have felt in my entire life. I truly feel like I am alive these days. This is not saying that I won't have horrible dark days still, but at least now, I will always know that there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel waiting to wrap me in warmth and love.
I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I wish each and everyone of you could feel this feeling of joy that I have. This growing feeling of having hope that everything will be ok as long as I continue to put my trust and faith in God.
Thank you so much for reading this. I love you.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Blog of a Blessed Girl
It's been far too long since I took a moment to get cozy and write! Let's do this.
My life the past few weeks has been astonishing.
I am in love with the most incredible man I have ever met.I'm not talking Disney princess love. I'm talking real, not always pretty, but always genuine and beautiful love. I realize the few people that may actually read my thoughts here, most likely don't want to read pages of me gushing about this man...but simply put, he saved me on a human level, has helped me rekindled my faith, and has filled my world with so much sunshine-just by being himself, and allowing me to be myself in return. I am not putting him on a pedestal here, because that isn't a realistic thing to do to any human being...but I am absolutely crazy for him, and I know God put us in each other's lives for a very beautiful and special reason. I've honestly never felt so blessed.
In lieu of making our relationship "official" towards the end of July, I was also given the opportunity to volunteer and get my hands dirty for a backwoods music festival out in the boonies of Oregon. It's called BurntWoodsStock (you probably have passed the huge red barn on the side of Highway 20 on the way to Newport COUNTLESS times. They have the roof painted now with a sign advertising the festival!)
Arriving at the farm house on that property was instantly magical.
One single step in the door and you are automatically treated like a long lost family member, and are encircled in warmth and affection. I've never felt so welcomed and so embraced for being exactly who I am. I wish everyone could experience a moment like that...it's a life changer :)
So anyways, I helped out on the owners property for a couple days with a dear friend, and eventually my boyfriend. There is something seriously spiritual about rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty, sweating a lot, smelling bad, and yet connecting with complete strangers over a mutual task of bringing this awesome music festival to life. I already cannot wait to help more next year, for a much longer period of time than a few days! I seriously urge those of you who live in the Willamette Valley area (or even farther away) to help out next year. You will not regret it.
A couple days pass, and the first day of BurntWoodStock is now upon us. Excitement in my veins, incredible amounts of love in my heart, the man I love next to me, hot sun all around, and the vibrations of a funky bass guitar tickling my skin. The festival is family friendly, so there are awesome little kids running all over the forests and fields, large families of people camping together, talking, connecting, dancing, singing. BurntWoodsStock is 3 straight days of exactly how the world should be EVERY day. It was bliss. And having that weekend end has been honestly really difficult for me.
To feel such a natural high due to good music, people treating each other with love and compassion no matter their background or identity, feeling free and uninhibited to dance till 3am, sing at the top of your lungs...to just...BE..was addicting. I want more of it. Leaving BurntWoodsStock, leaving my boyfriend, our friends new and old, leaving the dust and dirt of the ground. It was heartbreaking. Coming home to a house with fresh clean air conditioning, a really nice shower, and clean "proper" clothes was really hard. I felt so alive those 3 days, so connected and in tune with the world around me and with the people around me. I realize how blessed and bountiful my "real" life is, and I am so thankful, but every day since then I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to get back out into the world. Just as me. No makeup, unwashed hair, dirt under my nails, the man I love holding my hand, and just forming relationships with people I meet along the way in this life. Positive impacts. Simple, no frills, life.
Am I morphing from a girl longing to be a retro pin up chick who was always covered in makeup and hairspray, to a certified Oregon hippy? Pretty much. And I have never been happier and I have never felt more in tune with myself. Granted I was raised out in the boondocks and was a total country kid growing up. I love the outdoors so so much, and I have always been drawn to nature and respect it and have a deep appreciation for it. The last few years though I feel like I created this other character of myself, and have just been living in her shell for a very long time. Now I'm Jamie. Just Jamie.
You're probably wondering-how high was I this whole time? I wasn't under the influence of a single thing besides life itself, and a tinge of exhaustion.
My life is changing, in a way I never really imagined it to. God has some major things at work here, and I have never felt so content in my future and so at peace with where I am at currently, even though it is all completely unknown to me. This doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am free of my constant anxiety attacks and depression...but I feel like I have found hope, I am allowing myself to accept Jesse's love, I am allowing myself to BE loved and move on from all the sadness of my past, GIVING my love unconditionally, and I am allowing myself to be the truest form of myself. This is just the beginning. It bears repeating- I feel so incredibly blessed.
The craziest part is, I have never been so poor in my entire life. I have never been so dependent on other people in my entire life, and I have never had so little. I have been completely stripped down to the bare essentials, and it hasn't scared me one bit. In fact, I feel more at ease and in control of my life than ever before. Granted, I really do need at least a part time job, but I know it'll happen when it is supposed to. I'm staying proactive, keeping my eyes open, but I am not letting the fact that I have fallen out of the flow of society wreck me anymore. I'm ok. I'm MORE than ok. I am HAPPY :)
I am going to create an incredible gathering at some point in my life. An ode to BurntWoodsStock somewhere in the world. A place where people from all walks of life can come together and just be happy that they are alive, that they are with each other, and that we all live on this incredible world.
This is what life is about.
Connecting.
Community.
Family.
Relationships.
Support.
Expression.
Faith/Hope.
Being true to who you are.
And most importantly- Love.
I will be honest and say that on a daily basis I have small twangs of panic, where I feel like this euphoric state I am in will just be swept out from under my feet again in a flash. My world will again completely crumble down and I honestly don't know if I could survive that again. But...God has a plan. And in this moment, I am completely happy, and I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and soak up this incredible life we are each given from day one. My hopes are high.
To my family the Kish's and the Mitchell's, my incredible brother whom I miss more than I can express, my two best girl friends Clair and Sonja, to my new extended family that I just recently met and have fallen head over heels for, to my good friends, new friends, to people I have yet to meet, to Julz and Jim in Burnt Woods, to those who I cherish immensely but haven't seen in years, and to my Sunshine who I will love whether he is a hurricane or a still day....
Thank you. For all that you do, have done, and will do for me. Thank you for filling my life with joy, and for helping me up when I fall so far down. Thank you for drying my tears, for pushing me, or for merely just listening to me when I need to talk. For making me laugh, for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. For opening my eyes and heart, for showing me new experiences. For taking me in, showering me with love, for embracing me. For being an example. For loving me no matter what stage I am in this life of mine. I am forever thankful and grateful for you. I love you. Please know that. I. Love. YOU.
Keep shining <3 br="" nbsp="">
My life the past few weeks has been astonishing.
I am in love with the most incredible man I have ever met.I'm not talking Disney princess love. I'm talking real, not always pretty, but always genuine and beautiful love. I realize the few people that may actually read my thoughts here, most likely don't want to read pages of me gushing about this man...but simply put, he saved me on a human level, has helped me rekindled my faith, and has filled my world with so much sunshine-just by being himself, and allowing me to be myself in return. I am not putting him on a pedestal here, because that isn't a realistic thing to do to any human being...but I am absolutely crazy for him, and I know God put us in each other's lives for a very beautiful and special reason. I've honestly never felt so blessed.
In lieu of making our relationship "official" towards the end of July, I was also given the opportunity to volunteer and get my hands dirty for a backwoods music festival out in the boonies of Oregon. It's called BurntWoodsStock (you probably have passed the huge red barn on the side of Highway 20 on the way to Newport COUNTLESS times. They have the roof painted now with a sign advertising the festival!)
Arriving at the farm house on that property was instantly magical.
One single step in the door and you are automatically treated like a long lost family member, and are encircled in warmth and affection. I've never felt so welcomed and so embraced for being exactly who I am. I wish everyone could experience a moment like that...it's a life changer :)
So anyways, I helped out on the owners property for a couple days with a dear friend, and eventually my boyfriend. There is something seriously spiritual about rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty, sweating a lot, smelling bad, and yet connecting with complete strangers over a mutual task of bringing this awesome music festival to life. I already cannot wait to help more next year, for a much longer period of time than a few days! I seriously urge those of you who live in the Willamette Valley area (or even farther away) to help out next year. You will not regret it.
A couple days pass, and the first day of BurntWoodStock is now upon us. Excitement in my veins, incredible amounts of love in my heart, the man I love next to me, hot sun all around, and the vibrations of a funky bass guitar tickling my skin. The festival is family friendly, so there are awesome little kids running all over the forests and fields, large families of people camping together, talking, connecting, dancing, singing. BurntWoodsStock is 3 straight days of exactly how the world should be EVERY day. It was bliss. And having that weekend end has been honestly really difficult for me.
To feel such a natural high due to good music, people treating each other with love and compassion no matter their background or identity, feeling free and uninhibited to dance till 3am, sing at the top of your lungs...to just...BE..was addicting. I want more of it. Leaving BurntWoodsStock, leaving my boyfriend, our friends new and old, leaving the dust and dirt of the ground. It was heartbreaking. Coming home to a house with fresh clean air conditioning, a really nice shower, and clean "proper" clothes was really hard. I felt so alive those 3 days, so connected and in tune with the world around me and with the people around me. I realize how blessed and bountiful my "real" life is, and I am so thankful, but every day since then I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to get back out into the world. Just as me. No makeup, unwashed hair, dirt under my nails, the man I love holding my hand, and just forming relationships with people I meet along the way in this life. Positive impacts. Simple, no frills, life.
Am I morphing from a girl longing to be a retro pin up chick who was always covered in makeup and hairspray, to a certified Oregon hippy? Pretty much. And I have never been happier and I have never felt more in tune with myself. Granted I was raised out in the boondocks and was a total country kid growing up. I love the outdoors so so much, and I have always been drawn to nature and respect it and have a deep appreciation for it. The last few years though I feel like I created this other character of myself, and have just been living in her shell for a very long time. Now I'm Jamie. Just Jamie.
You're probably wondering-how high was I this whole time? I wasn't under the influence of a single thing besides life itself, and a tinge of exhaustion.
My life is changing, in a way I never really imagined it to. God has some major things at work here, and I have never felt so content in my future and so at peace with where I am at currently, even though it is all completely unknown to me. This doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am free of my constant anxiety attacks and depression...but I feel like I have found hope, I am allowing myself to accept Jesse's love, I am allowing myself to BE loved and move on from all the sadness of my past, GIVING my love unconditionally, and I am allowing myself to be the truest form of myself. This is just the beginning. It bears repeating- I feel so incredibly blessed.
The craziest part is, I have never been so poor in my entire life. I have never been so dependent on other people in my entire life, and I have never had so little. I have been completely stripped down to the bare essentials, and it hasn't scared me one bit. In fact, I feel more at ease and in control of my life than ever before. Granted, I really do need at least a part time job, but I know it'll happen when it is supposed to. I'm staying proactive, keeping my eyes open, but I am not letting the fact that I have fallen out of the flow of society wreck me anymore. I'm ok. I'm MORE than ok. I am HAPPY :)
I am going to create an incredible gathering at some point in my life. An ode to BurntWoodsStock somewhere in the world. A place where people from all walks of life can come together and just be happy that they are alive, that they are with each other, and that we all live on this incredible world.
This is what life is about.
Connecting.
Community.
Family.
Relationships.
Support.
Expression.
Faith/Hope.
Being true to who you are.
And most importantly- Love.
I will be honest and say that on a daily basis I have small twangs of panic, where I feel like this euphoric state I am in will just be swept out from under my feet again in a flash. My world will again completely crumble down and I honestly don't know if I could survive that again. But...God has a plan. And in this moment, I am completely happy, and I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and soak up this incredible life we are each given from day one. My hopes are high.
To my family the Kish's and the Mitchell's, my incredible brother whom I miss more than I can express, my two best girl friends Clair and Sonja, to my new extended family that I just recently met and have fallen head over heels for, to my good friends, new friends, to people I have yet to meet, to Julz and Jim in Burnt Woods, to those who I cherish immensely but haven't seen in years, and to my Sunshine who I will love whether he is a hurricane or a still day....
Thank you. For all that you do, have done, and will do for me. Thank you for filling my life with joy, and for helping me up when I fall so far down. Thank you for drying my tears, for pushing me, or for merely just listening to me when I need to talk. For making me laugh, for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. For opening my eyes and heart, for showing me new experiences. For taking me in, showering me with love, for embracing me. For being an example. For loving me no matter what stage I am in this life of mine. I am forever thankful and grateful for you. I love you. Please know that. I. Love. YOU.
Keep shining <3 br="" nbsp="">
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)