Blog of a Blessed Girl

It's been far too long since I took a moment to get cozy and write! Let's do this.

My life the past few weeks has been astonishing.

I am in love with the most incredible man I have ever met.I'm not talking Disney princess love. I'm talking real, not always pretty, but always genuine and beautiful love. I realize the few people that may actually read my thoughts here, most likely don't want to read pages of me gushing about this man...but simply put, he saved me on a human level, has helped me rekindled my faith, and has filled my world with so much sunshine-just by being himself, and allowing me to be myself in return. I am not putting him on a pedestal here, because that isn't a realistic thing to do to any human being...but I am absolutely crazy for him, and I know God put us in each other's lives for a very beautiful and special reason. I've honestly never felt so blessed.

In lieu of making our relationship "official" towards the end of July, I was also given the opportunity to volunteer and get my hands dirty for a backwoods music festival out in the boonies of Oregon. It's called BurntWoodsStock (you probably have passed the huge red barn on the side of Highway 20 on the way to Newport COUNTLESS times. They have the roof painted now with a sign advertising the festival!)
Arriving at the farm house on that property was instantly magical.
One single step in the door and you are automatically treated like a long lost family member, and are encircled in warmth and affection. I've never felt so welcomed and so embraced for being exactly who I am. I wish everyone could experience a moment like that...it's a life changer :)

So anyways, I helped out on the owners property for a couple days with a dear friend, and eventually my boyfriend. There is something seriously spiritual about rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty, sweating a lot, smelling bad, and yet connecting with complete strangers over a mutual task of bringing this awesome music festival to life. I already cannot wait to help more next year, for a much longer period of time than a few days! I seriously urge those of you who live in the Willamette Valley area (or even farther away) to help out next year. You will not regret it.

A couple days pass, and the first day of BurntWoodStock is now upon us. Excitement in my veins, incredible amounts of love in my heart, the man I love next to me, hot sun all around, and the vibrations of a funky bass guitar tickling my skin. The festival is family friendly, so there are awesome little kids running all over the forests and fields, large families of people camping together, talking, connecting, dancing, singing. BurntWoodsStock is 3 straight days of exactly how the world should be EVERY day. It was bliss. And having that weekend end has been honestly really difficult for me.

To feel such a natural high due to good music, people treating each other with love and compassion no matter their background or identity, feeling free and uninhibited to dance till 3am, sing at the top of your lungs...to just...BE..was addicting. I want more of it. Leaving BurntWoodsStock, leaving my boyfriend, our friends new and old, leaving the dust and dirt of the ground. It was heartbreaking. Coming home to a house with fresh clean air conditioning, a really nice shower, and clean "proper" clothes was really hard. I felt so alive those 3 days, so connected and in tune with the world around me and with the people around me. I realize how blessed and bountiful my "real" life is, and I am so thankful, but every day since then I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to get back out into the world. Just as me. No makeup, unwashed hair, dirt under my nails, the man I love holding my hand, and just forming relationships with people I meet along the way in this life. Positive impacts. Simple, no frills, life.

Am I morphing from a girl longing to be a retro pin up chick who was always covered in makeup and hairspray, to a certified Oregon hippy? Pretty much. And I have never been happier and I have never felt more in tune with myself. Granted I was raised out in the boondocks and was a total country kid growing up. I love the outdoors so so much, and I have always been drawn to nature and respect it and have a deep appreciation for it. The last few years though I feel like I created this other character of myself, and have just been living in her shell for a very long time. Now I'm Jamie. Just Jamie.

You're probably wondering-how high was I this whole time? I wasn't under the influence of a single thing besides life itself, and a tinge of exhaustion.

My life is changing, in a way I never really imagined it to. God has some major things at work here, and I have never felt so content in my future and so at peace with where I am at currently, even though it is all completely unknown to me. This doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am free of my constant anxiety attacks and depression...but I feel like I have found hope, I am allowing myself to accept Jesse's love, I am allowing myself to BE loved and move on from all the sadness of my past, GIVING my love unconditionally, and I am allowing myself to be the truest form of myself. This is just the beginning. It bears repeating- I feel so incredibly blessed. 

The craziest part is, I have never been so poor in my entire life. I have never been so dependent on other people in my entire life, and I have never had so little. I have been completely stripped down to the bare essentials, and it hasn't scared me one bit. In fact, I feel more at ease and in control of my life than ever before. Granted, I really do need at least a part time job, but I know it'll happen when it is supposed to. I'm staying proactive, keeping my eyes open, but I am not letting the fact that I have fallen out of the flow of society wreck me anymore. I'm ok. I'm MORE than ok. I am HAPPY :)

I am going to create an incredible gathering at some point in my life. An ode to BurntWoodsStock somewhere in the world. A place where people from all walks of life can come together and just be happy that they are alive, that they are with each other, and that we all live on this incredible world.
This is what life is about.
Connecting.
Community.
Family.
Relationships.
Support.
Expression.
Faith/Hope.
Being true to who you are.
And most importantly- Love.

I will be honest and say that on a daily basis I have small twangs of panic, where I feel like this euphoric state I am in will just be swept out from under my feet again in a flash. My world will again completely crumble down and I honestly don't know if I could survive that again. But...God has a plan. And in this moment, I am completely happy, and I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and soak up this incredible life we are each given from day one. My hopes are high.

To my family the Kish's and the Mitchell's, my incredible brother whom I miss more than I can express, my two best girl friends Clair and Sonja, to my new extended family that I just recently met and have fallen head over heels for, to my good friends, new friends, to people I have yet to meet, to Julz and Jim in Burnt Woods, to those who I cherish immensely but haven't seen in years, and to my Sunshine who I will love whether he is a hurricane or a still day....

Thank you. For all that you do, have done, and will do for me. Thank you for filling my life with joy, and for helping me up when I fall so far down. Thank you for drying my tears, for pushing me, or for merely just listening to me when I need to talk. For making me laugh, for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. For opening my eyes and heart, for showing me new experiences. For taking me in, showering me with love, for embracing me. For being an example. For loving me no matter what stage I am in this life of mine. I am forever thankful and grateful for you. I love you. Please know that. I. Love. YOU.

Keep shining <3 br="" nbsp="">