Alright. I'm just going to put some stuff out there.
In the 27 years of my life, I have been on a pretty average amount of dates. Not a ridiculous amount, but dating wasn't void from my life either. Simply put, I despise dating. I hate the small talk, I hate the awkward meetings and "oh is he going to call?" crap that society and the media tells us is normal. I have always been a self proclaimed "relationship girl", meaning that I am great at being committed, I am great at being a girlfriend.
I have claimed to be in 5 "relationships" in the past. One was a few years, with the shortest being about 5 months. What I have come to learn, is that time doesn't matter. It's all about the quality and the messy stuff that relationships are made out of that really matters. Out of these 5 "relationships", 3 ended in me being cheated on for an extended amount of time. Needless to say, I have some trust issues. Another relationship ended because he committed suicide. Enter major attachment issues and fear into my life.
Where I am going with all this...is that I feel like up until this point in my life, I really haven't ever been in a legitimate relationship.
RELATIONSHIP-
noun
"The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people, are connected."
See that part that says "TWO" ?
Every last one of my previous "relationships" have been completely one sided. I didn't just come up with this, in fact, many people in my life TOLD me this during these relationships, since it was that obvious. I was a girl, who wanted NOTHING else in life but to be loved. So I searched for it in all the wrong places, and with all the wrong people, and ended up nowhere. I ended up feeling severely battered on a mental level, hopeless, worthless, and broken.
That's when I "quit" dating. It wasn't initially for the reasons I should of taken a break from the whole dating scene, but it was more because I felt un-date-able. I felt like no one would want to be with such a screwed up chick.
It was in this few year time span, that I really started to grow into myself. Try new things, experiment with life, do what I wanted. It was this past year then, when I really took to the grindstone and dedicated all my time to healing and working on myself on a mental level. Accepting my past, accepting myself for exactly who I am, accepting the crap I went though and the pain I experienced, and forgiving all of it. The great attempt to move on and push forward. This is not something that you just say "I forgive you past!" and it's all hunky dory...it takes a loooong time, and I'm still going through it, but I am getting somewhere, and I am succeeding, even if it's one tiny step at a time.
As you all know, I am in a relationship with THE most caring, supportive, and devoted man I have ever met. Our relationship is nothing, NOTHING, like my experiences of the past. He and I work together constantly to communicate our fears, to work out our problems, while also just having such a mutual understanding and love and respect for eachother. THIS truly is a relationship. This is the first relationship in my life. It is mindblowing, it is messy, and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and been a part in creating. I cannot express properly how grateful I am, how humbled I am, to be in this mans life, and he in mine.
Now with all that said, the original thought that triggered me to write his whole stinkin long post, was that relationships, are a massive work of art in which the paintbrushes are communication.
I always thought that I was this extremely vulnerable person who was completely open to everyone I met. I have come to realize that I wasn't vulnerable, I was fragile, and I was being open, but only about specific things. I became very good at hiding pain, hiding my real feelings towards things, in hopes of just making people happy and being able to be this positive part of peoples lives. Which is all well and good, and I continue to want to be that. The thing is, I have to be honest with myself, and with others, in order to create a really solid, legit foundation to build a fantastic, positive, loving relationship off of.
Being open and completely vulnerable, and communicating my thoughts and anxieties, is so scary. SO. SCARY. But also very rewarding, in that when I tell someone how I really feel, and what I am going through, and what thoughts are zipping around in my head at 100mph, that connects us more and it allows that person to help me, and in turn, make our bond even stronger.
The scariest part of this realization and putting it into action, has been the feedback from the other person. I have such a strong fear that the minute I completely open up my crazy head to someone, they are going to tell me goodbye, because who wants to deal with this mess when there are so many other beautiful people out there that HAVE their shit together? That's where self confidence comes in, that's where trust comes in, and that's where letting go of fear comes in. 3 things that have always been a major struggle for me.
Everyday is a new mini struggle, but it honestly IS getting better. It's hard to see because by opening myself up like this to people in my life, it really helps me, and then also gives me that fear again. Right now I feel a lot of highs and lows because of this...little victories in the right direction, followed by anxiety the next day of "oh my gosh maybe I should of just kept my mouth shut". One day, I know those anxieties will lessen and maybe even completely disappear from my life. It's all a process, and I am so thankful to have people in my life that are willing to work with me through this, especially Jesse.
I am closer than I have ever been, and there are still days I want to give up...that's when I pray. That's when I put my faith in God, and ask for peace.
This life of mine is no longer just me, it's God, it's the love of my life, it's my families (blood or not), it's my future family, my future children, it's people I've met, and people I'll meet today or tomorrow...my life is one massive relationship.
The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.
I love you.
