My "Coming Out" Story

So.
I've been contemplating writing this entry for a little while now. Somedays I feel really intent on writing it, other days I feel fearful of writing it.
Today I'm going to write it. Opening myself up to being completely vulnerable has been an ongoing lesson it seems this past month or so. Being honest with myself and other people. And having faith that hopefully they will still want to be in my life.

I've written a few blogs in the past about finding God, and my personal relationship that I am trying to rebuild. I am not one to usually openly profess a relationship with God, with my hands in the air, jumping for joy, singing at the top of my lungs. I think that's beautiful, but it's just not the way I roll yet. All of this is deeply personal, and to be brutally honest, opening up about religion, about my faith, is almost embarrassing to me.

Let me explain.


I shunned God from my life when my past boyfriend committed suicide. I hated God, and I vowed to never allow him into my life again, because if he really WAS this incredible creator, this higher power, than why the hell would he allow something like this to happen? Why would he take from me someone I loved, and in the process, try and kill me as well due to a severe suicidal depression? I figured I had a better shot at this life fighting for myself, believing in nothing (because didn't that just bring more disappointment and pain in the long run?) and going it alone.

Obviously this way of thinking isn't healthy, and during the nearly 5 years of "going it alone" I hit rock bottom multiple times, went through the daily motions of life without feeling anything, lost friendships, became incredibly shallow, and became a person that I really don't know, or ever want to know again. I became a character of myself. If I wasn't being real, then I wouldn't really get hurt right? If I surrounded myself with people who thought I was funky, uninhibited, and crazy, then I wouldn't feel the major holes in my life that I created where people who truly did love me for me used to be, and where God used to be.

Then one day, I met my best friend in the Miami airport during her layover. I was inspired to come back home, back to a safe zone, and finally start to leave this destructive, unhappy life behind me. And by some miracle, I did come back home.

I started to heal. I still AM healing. I started to genuinely feel things again, which was incredibly difficult and scary. I started to wipe off my character, and become the true Jamie again. One morning, God placed a man in a green flannel shirt on my porch, and I made him breakfast, and we fell in love, and over green juice and mango salsa, he opened my eyes which were closed tight for so many years. I felt true hope again.This was just the start of it all.

Fast forward nearly 8 months to today, and here sits a changed girl. I am still healing, I probably always will be in some kind of healing process, but I feel so...so...blessed. It's not just the lack of makeup, my shabby clothing, and my constantly meager bank account that show that I have changed. Those are the physical aspects. Mentally, I am becoming a person I have always wanted to be, a glimmer of a person I once was when life wasn't so heavy, and it's getting better and better with every passing day.

Where I am going with all this, is besides the support of my amazing family, besides meeting the love of my life, besides taking months to really allow myself to be alone with my mind, to deal with so many anxieties and fears of mine, and besides being back in Oregon where I feel like I can breathe again...I have let God back into my life. Granted he was there all along, but I was blind to him, or maybe I wasn't even blind, I was ignoring him and not allowing him to have a place in my life.

The reason admitting this to you frightens and embarrasses me, is because I know it will turn people away from me. People that I DO care about, some immensely. I used to be that person...the one who would poke fun of people because they believed in God, the one who would make rude jokes, mock people behind their backs, and laugh at them because of how stupid they seemed...to be believing in something that doesn't exist.

To those people I would mock- please forgive me. I am not that person any longer, and I really mean it when I say that I said those things, and mocked you behind your back, because I felt so alone and so scared, and just wanted to fit in somewhere. Who am I to say what someone should and shouldn't believe in? Who am I to say how someone spends their Sunday? If you believe in something, I think you are amazing. It doesn't have to be what I believe in, it doesn't even have to make a lick of sense, I commend you for staying true to you and your beliefs. It's a truly beautiful thing that takes courage. And if believing in whatever you believe in makes you happy, and gives you peace throughout your day, then I couldn't be happier for you.

I believe in God, and I have faith in him.

I am not part of any specific religion, I merely am a 27 year old girl, who is figuring out life one tiny step at a time. I am building a relationship with God again, and I want you to be aware of that, and hopefully have you be happy about that. I am happier and feel more content and full of hope, than I ever have felt in my entire life. I truly feel like I am alive these days. This is not saying that I won't have horrible dark days still, but at least now, I will always know that there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel waiting to wrap me in warmth and love.

I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I wish each and everyone of you could feel this feeling of joy that I have. This growing feeling of having hope that everything will be ok as long as I continue to put my trust and faith in God.

Thank you so much for reading this. I love you.