There has been an incredible lack of romance in my life for the past few years. I'm not talking cinematic romance that women go all gooey for like "The Notebook" or that kind of thing...I'm talking one on one, deep connection, incredible passion, faith based, forever hopeful, action driven romance. Not just empty words or flowers.
Granted, since I can remember, I've always been the girl that has wanted nothing more than to just be with another person, to love that person with my whole being, and get the same in return. Too many Disney movies growing up? Definitely, but I don't think that's what to blame.
I grew up in a house full of love. I have many fond memories, little tiny couple second snippets in my mind of my parents being affectionate towards each other, or stumbling across little messages they would write to each other in chapstick on the mirror in the morning. I grew up with a tight family unit, and an excellent soundtrack growing up filled with artists like John Denver, Fogelberg, Dylan, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac.
I am so thankful for my childhood, and I am glad it shaped me the way it did.
It's just...at 27 now...walking down a path that feels like I've been walking down it for 60years...I've encountered my fair share of the insensitive, the cheaters, the liars, the egocentric, and the vain. The man who wanted me to quit my career so I could be a proper wife for him, the man who cheated on me with another woman for 2 out of the 3yrs of our relationship, the man who committed suicide the day before my birthday, the man who only said he loved me and that I was beautiful when he was drunk. I've had my heartbroken countless times, to the point where I hit a level where I felt like I was a completely broken and shattered person, that at that point, should not be loved because I was so damaged.
I since then, have been doing a lot of growing. Mentally, even though at times it may not seem like it, I am leaps and bounds from where I have ever been. I am at the highest point so far in my life, mentally, than I ever have been.
I have learned to love who I am. Which was an incredibly difficult and trying journey, and it still is at times given the way the world is so obsessed with how a person looks these days rather than how they act or what they can give to others. I am proud of myself for finally starting to figure out that I am a great person, with a lot to give someone else, no matter what snarky comments or judging eyes say.
I have never felt so ready, toes right on the edge, grabbing the hand of my partner and of leaping off the cliff into a relationship that will be my last relationship. One that will last till I stop breathing. I am primed, ready, and so willing.
When is this drought going to end? It's really hard...
Just sitting, waiting wishing, praying.
You feel like you have so much to give another person, while also wanting to soak up all of them and their imperfections and beauty and learn and grow with them...
It's this weird torment kind of thing i go through on a daily basis.
All I want to do is love someone, grow with someone in faith and hope, be someone's best friend, and experience life in all it's trials and tribulations.I've never wanted something more badly.
And I know what you're thinking..
"Jamie, it'll come to you when you stop searching for it."
"Jamie, it'll happen when you least expect it."
"You're still young, you have plenty of time!"
I'm not searching. I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because obviously my searching was not yielding quality results.
And I may be young, but I already feel like I am YEARS behind. This isn't just a social pressure, this isn't the ol' biological clock ticking and reminding me my ovaries are going to shrivel up sooner rather than later...this is me feeling like I have already lost so much time already without this other person..all these years we could of been together, overcoming obstacles, creating a life, moving mountains. Instead it's just been me.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
One day. Hopefully. A man will want to love me. A man will want to put in the effort to be with me, and make it work. No hesitation. No apprehensions. No other influences. Just him, realizing that I am worth it. Just him knowing that he feels alive when he is with me. Just him, wondering what took me so long to get into his life.
Just him and I vs. the world.
Creating a family built on a solid foundation. Living a simple, beautiful, and humble life while positively affecting those around us. Raising some kids who know right from wrong, who know that Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, who will never own an xbox, but who will wear a single whistle around their necks so when they are playing for hours in the forest with their imaginations running wild, they can find each other, and home, where I will be with my whistle, and an endless supply of hugs and kisses.
Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Praying.
No comments:
Post a Comment