Rock Climbing Slips

This past week has been ridiculous.
I feel like I've been rock climbing the past 7months, so close to getting to the peak, and this week I just couldnt get my footing correctly and my fingers were bleeding, and I didn't get any farther up the cliff face. If anything I slid back some.

I'm not sure what my issue is. I feel like I'm full of fear. I feel like I am allowing my past to dictate my todays and tomorrows, and it is pissing me off.

I need to figure out a way to let go of all the crap that I have experienced. I am not that person anymore. Those experiences have shaped me, but they do not define me. I need to let go. I need to stop thinking that everyone I get close to is going to die. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to go to a dark place like that. I need to find a sense of calm every single day.

The past week I am constantly trying to find that calmness, that peace, and I'm not finding it. I'll have it for about 20min at a time and then slip again.

My greatest fear right now is that my constant slipping is negatively affecting those around me, which is the last thing I want to do. This fear on top of my anxiety is becoming crippling and I am not sure what to do at this point.

I have been turning a lot to God. I feel like he is the only one who won't be frustrated by my tears or won't judge me by how I am feeling. I'm praying and praying and I still feel no sense of peace. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's trying to show me or teach me.

I've been writing lists. One column titled "How I Feel" and another titled "How I Want To Feel". And those lists always help, but at the same time, they make me want to feel the "want to feels" even more and the reality that I am not feeling those hits me.

Today my goal is to allow myself to let go of what I have been through in the past. To allow myself for one last time to feel that pain, and then move on.

I also need to try and actually eat today. I've lost 10lbs the past 5 days because I haven't really been able to eat. I mean...sweet 10lbs gone! haha but...I need to go about this the healthy way, not the starving myself of nutrients way.

I need to do this for me, my family, and one individual that I care about and love beyond words. I need to allow myself to move on from my past so I can truly be a bright light to those around me, and so I can continue to work on my relationships, including that with God.

I am going out into the country to a lake with my two best friends this weekend, and it can't happen soon enough. I think those two days will really be beneficial and allow me to breathe a little, and swim CONSTANTLY which always makes me feel better.

If you pray, please, please keep me in your prayers. I always feel bad asking people to pray for me because I feel like there are so many other people out there who need it more than I do...but right now, please keep me in your prayers.

If you don't pray, please keep me in your thoughts and send me love and positive vibes.

I will reach this peak and I will stand up at the top of this cliff and see the sun. I have got to.