So here I was at 23 years of age, depressed to severe levels, planning suicide, feeling so alone and lost in this world, and completely Godless (or so I thought.. after all, who would want to help me out when I cursed him on a daily basis and hated him?) I hit the lowest parts of my life, drowning myself in all kinds of substances, and eagerly planning how I would end my own life.
Somehow I survived another year of my life, which brought a whole new batch of problems that included "dealing with being a victim of suicide a year later". It seems silly and I completely realize to some people you'd think that at some point in your life you would just "get over it." like there is switch that eventually flips and suddenly you can resume a normal life again. That's not the case at all. Like I've said in a past posting, you never ever lose that feeling...it is with you forever, everywhere you go, in everything you do. You cannot just push it to the side or else it flares up and gets worse and explodes when you least expect it to. You need to deal with that pain on a daily basis, acknowledge it, and continue to adapt with it and learn to cope with it so you can come off as having a "normal life", and so you can continue to heal and eventually even start to thrive a little.
So here I am a year after Chris died, and I am given an opportunity to move to the Bahamas to work for the Disney Cruise Line as a stingray trainer/zoological manager. To this day, I still cannot figure out if that offer and life change was a blessing, or just pushed all the healing I really needed to do, back by 9 months. Either way, it happened and is a part of my life, and probably did save me in a way.
Living a life without God is easy. You feel like suddenly no rules apply to you, you have complete freedom, you don't have this imaginary being looking over you and judging you. It's very easy to get caught up in that and become slightly addicted to it. "I don't answer to nobody, I am the master of my own universe and destiny!" It sounds great, but the thing is, when you do hit another rough patch, you will never feel more alone. The 4 years where I pushed God completely out of my life were fun (very shallow and lonely, but fun). I can admit that. I had a lot of insane adventures, a lot of dirty crazy fun, and expressed myself a lot and really learned more about who I was and my limits. I crashed and burned a lot, and made many mistakes.
I promise this all has a happy ending...or..not really an ending as I am not dead, but it get's better :)
SO fast forward through 4 years of insanity, lots of glitter, lots of stupid decisions, some good ones, lots of people, some false friendships,a couple empty relationships, and a lot of self exploration.
Here I am, after living in the Bahamas, Portland, and Miami...I am back in Oregon...back in my hometown where I spent my entire childhood, back in the house I was raised in, and back living with my parents for the first time in almost 9 years.
I know what some of you are thinking- "What a damn loser."
It's what I would of thought a few months ago.
But you are wrong (and I say that in a loving way)
Since moving back to my parents house, back into the middle of nowhere deep country Oregon wilderness...I have finally...FINALLY...started to allow myself the time to heal.
Even more amazing, for the first time since February 2009, I have opened myself up to having God back in my life. Granted he was there all along, but I wasn't on speaking terms with him.
How did this happen you ask? What suddenly changed?
I met a man who restored my faith.
A man in my eyes, who is made up of pure sunshine.
A man who reminded me of all the good things in life, of the beauty, of the struggle, of the connections, and of the journey. Listening to him talk about his relationship with God in the most down to earth and realistic way, his thoughts rekindled a fire within me that had long gone out, and maybe wasn't even really well lit in the first place. His actions more so than his words filled me with hope, and watching him float around life, through his own struggles and triumphs and self realizations showed me that there was a God. I saw God in him, when I wasn't even really looking. I'm not saying I looked at HIM as God, but within him I saw for the first time in years, God. And through hours of simply talking, I was reminded of all the good that is in this world, and how it was all possible BECAUSE of God. This man was put in my life for a reason, and I feel so blessed. I hope this person realizes one day how they saved me, and how they renewed my faith in God, and the world.
So where I am now? Literally, I am still in the middle of nowhere Oregon, but I am head over heels in love with that fact. I have faith in the simple things, in the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. I have faith in kindness and selflessness. I have faith that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
Waking up to a dense Pacific Northwest forest every morning is so good for my soul. I am repairing relationships that I want to salvage, building new ones, and feeling inspired and awakened. This doesn't mean I still don't have extremely hard days where I just curl into a ball and cry and feel that lonely pain again, because I do. Those days aren't everyday for me anymore, and that is a miracle.
I still have a very long way to go, hell, I may never finish walking on this path...but that is ok. I can deal with that, because I have the people I need around me. I have the towering trees, the majestic oceans, I have my family, the best friends, a song in my heart at all times...and a renewed relationship with God.
I don't have any bells and whistles, I don't have any neon or bright blinking lights. What I have in my life is very simple these days, and very sacred to me. It isn't preachy, it isn't organized in any way. It is held very close to me.
At this point in my life, I can say I have experienced a miracle. That miracle is me surviving my own self, finding faith again, and that miracle are those few people in my life who love me and inspire me to continue living everyday.
I love you.
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